#I am extremely exhausted both physically and mentally and literally do nothing but still feel like shit | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

judediangelo75 · 4 years ago

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Bath Time

A/N: This is gonna be based on the years after Hogwarts, just a few months after graduation.

It’s also going to be based on the “Physical One-Liners”. I feel like in the privacy of their own space, Talbott turns a bit more... mischievous, which both surprises and flusters Judith to no ends.

If that’s not your cup of tea, don’t read. Just that simple. Anywho...

Enjoy!

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Judith never felt more happy to leave St. Mungos. While she did enjoy her job, and spending time with her long time friend Chiara, she was beyond exhausted. Not in the mood to walk home, the young woman decided to fly home instead.

Quickly ducking into a dark alley, she transformed into her Black Sparrowhawk and flew off. Flying has always been one of her small joys in life. It reminded her of the times with her father, where he would teach her the basics of flying. It also reminded her of her time at Hogwarts. Attending Flying Class with Madam Hooch and playing on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.

Most of all, it reminded her of her long time boyfriend, Talbott Winger. He was the one who helped her become an Animagus and teach her how to fly in this form. It was one of the ways the two bonded.

After they graduated, they got a small apartment together. After Judith graduated, her mother promptly kicked her out. Talbott was boiling on his girlfriend’s behalf, but she urged him to let it go. Judith always knew she wasn’t wanted by her mother, so he spoke to Dumbledore about ways to support herself after. He offered to pay her during her last year, which helped out a lot.

Now she was free to live her life the way she saw fit. And be with the love of her life.

It wasn’t long until Judith landed in front of her home and she transformed back. Pulling out the key from her purse, she opened the door and walked in.

She was minorly surprised to find Talbott inside as well, who was just taking off his shoes and placing them near the front door.

“Hello, little bird,” he greeted with a small smile. Judith blushed and smiled back.

“Hello, my love,” she said back, walking up to him. She carefully got on her toes to give the young man a peck on the lips.

Well, it was suppose to be a peck on the lips.

Talbott ended up wrapping his arms around his girlfriend’s waist, pulling her to his chest. Craning his head a bit lower, he pressed his lips against hers more firmly. Judith let out small giggle and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Talbott groaned softly, gently pushing Judith against the door. A shudder wracked Judith’s body as she felt Talbott’s teeth softly sink into the plump flesh of her bottom lip. Her eyes shoot open when she felt his larger hands press into her lower back. Talbott released her lips, red eyes half lidded and a lazy smirk on his full lips.

“You seem a little tense darling,” Talbott drawled, running a hand up and down the length of Judith’s back. A blush blossomed on her face, causing his smirk to grew a fraction wider.

“It’s... uh, it’s been a long day,” she mumbled, finding Talbott’s chest suddenly interesting. A chuckle rumbled from the back of his throat.

“You don’t say? Come on, darling. Let’s take a nice bath together.” Judith’s breath hitched as her blush worsen.

Talbott tried his best not to laugh at his little bird’s expression. Ever since they left Hogwarts and all the stressors behind, he’s been seeing a different side of Judith.

She was more free. Happier. Carefree.

He’s seen bits and pieces of this side of her at Hogwarts but not often. He found this side of her to be so beautiful...

And if he was being brutally honest... it was sexy as well.

The girl would be more free with what she wears and would sometimes sing and dance to the music she has playing as she cleans.

He has walked in a few times where Judith was slowly swaying her hips slowly to the beat of a song as she cleaned, wearing nothing but a tube top and some short shorts. It never fails to put him in a trance as he watched how Judith seems to become one with the music. Especially when she tranced the length of her body and curves with her hands. His body temperature never failed to spike at the sight she created.

The only way he’s forced to snap out of his daze is when Judith finally acknowledges his presence with an embarrassed squeal.

However, last time was particularly bad. Talbott didn’t know what kind of magic Judith casted on herself for her to move her waist the way she did, but Talbott was sure it had to be from the Dark Arts. What she did should’ve been illegal. Talbott never stared harder at something in his life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdOFz0Lsfbo

Even after Judith after squealed out of surprise, it didn’t arouse him from his stupor. The only thing he could think of was how his pants was tighter in an area that where it shouldn’t be.

The fact that Judith starts blushing and acts shy is what baffles him the most. She was extremely witty, sharp tongued, sarcastic, sassy, and petty. Rarely anything can render her mute.

Yet Talbott staring at her with a glimmer of desire in his eyes does the job just fine.

Talbott found this to be amusing, sometimes going out his way to tease her on purpose.

Lingering touches on her neck, shoulders, waist, and hips.

Spending extra time around her neck. Kissing, gently biting, and licking the sensitive skin.

Whispering in her ear in his sleepy voice.

Picking her up so she’ll be forced to wrap her legs around his waist.

Heated snogging sessions.

Hell, sometimes he would pinch her ass when she least expects it. Her scandalized blush never fails to make him laugh.

Being in the privacy of their own space made he feel a bit more open to be a bit more intimate with his little bird.

And Talbott knew she secretly liked this side of him. Judith could easily tell him to stop anytime and Talbott would do so immediately. But she hasn’t.

Talbott wanted to see what she would say to taking a bath together...

“A-A bath? T-t-together,” Judith stuttered. She wasn’t sure why this was sending her heart into a frenzy.

‘Of course you do. You’ll in a bathtub with your boyfriend. No clothes, just soap and water.’ Judith really hated it when her own thoughts sass her...

“Of course, little bird... is that okay, darling,” Talbott asked, kissing her cheek. Judith bit her lip.

“Yeah... it’s fine...”

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Judith was already in the tub. She was quick set up the bath and pick a body wash (vanilla which is her favorite). Not wanting Talbott to surprise her by silently watching her, she quickly stripped and hopped right in.

She purposely added a lot of the body wash so the bubbles can hide her body.

‘Why the hell am I so bloody nervous? It not like he hasn’t seen what I looked like half naked...’

‘Because you sitting in this tub bare ass, woman. Plus you know this tub was made to fit two people, you’ll be literally pressed against him. And you know good and damn well you’re sensitive to his touch.’

‘You know, when I asked this, I didn’t need the sassy answer. I didn’t ask for an answer at all.’

‘Cry me a river.’

“Well aren’t you eager to take a bath?” Judith snapped out of the mental argument with her subconscious to find Talbott towering over her in just towel.

Judith blushed, forcing her eyes on her boyfriend’s face and not his lean muscular body-

“I didn’t want the warm water to go to waste by waiting on you, bird boy,” she retorted. Talbott raised a brow, a teasing smirk on his.

“You know, you’re right. Scoot over for me, darling...” Judith did what she told, averting her gaze when she noticed Talbott’s hand moving to undo the knot of his towel.

She didn’t look back at him until he was submerged. She regretted doing so, seeing how his smirk widen.

“You’re so cute when you’re flustered,” he teased, kissing her cheek. She crossed her arms over her chest, doing her absolute best not to pout.

“I’m not flustered,” she mumbled under her breath. The devious spark flashed in Talbott’s eyes.

“Oh really?” Judith didn’t have time to respond as she pulled to sit on Talbott’s lap, facing him.

“How about now,” he asked innocently. Part of Judith was cursing Talbott seven ways til Sunday, the other part of her headed straight down the gutter.

“You are truly something, Winger,” she answered instead, glaring at him.

“I know, but you love me regardless,” he chuckled.

“Shut up,” she mumbled, kissing him to do just that. Talbott accepted the kiss wholeheartedly, nipping his girlfriend’s lower lip. Despite the warm water lapping against her skin, Judith could still feel goosebumps breaking out on her skin.

Damn her sensitivity.

Judith quickly broke the kiss before it could turn into something more.

“Where are you going, little bird,” Talbott asked quietly, his voice low and husky.

“We’re suppose to be taking a bath! Not fooling around in the tub,” she retorted, cheeks rosy. Talbott nuzzled her neck, leaving a feather light kiss. Judith was quick to grip his shoulders to steady herself.

“Mmmm... of course, darling. Don’t worry I’ll take care of you...” Judith felt her heartbeat pounding in her eardrums as Talbott reached for the wash cloth.

‘He’s gonna kill me,’ she thought when he could feel his smirk on her neck.

Let’s just say by the time they finished, the bath water was cold and Judith was sporting quite a few love bites on her neck, shoulders and chest...

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loveisnotadagger · 3 years ago

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Love is Healing - Chapter Four

Chapter 4/?

Warning: There is a brief mention of when Loki let go of Thor's hammer when he was hanging from the Rainbow Bridge and how he had basically tried to kill himself by doing that. It's literally maybe three sentences, but it's there if that triggers something for you.

The only thing Loki really saw was the girl – no, Arianna; he remembered her name now. She has shoulder-length, honey blond hair, much like the color of his mother's hair, and bright ocean-blue eyes. That was all he noticed at that point and that was only because she was standing over him.

He took her in within the few seconds it took for his pain to register and then he felt as if he couldn't breathe. So intense was his agony that he couldn't even find the strength to scream out loud even though he knew he'd opened his mouth to do just that.

"Your ribs were broken," Arianna said. "I couldn't heal them completely. I'm sorry. I know it must be extremely painful."

She went on to tell him every other thing she'd found that needed to be healed. He no longer had any bruises, and she had healed his lungs, which had been damaged by the broken ribs.

"What you really need is food and water."

"Food sounds wonderful," Loki admitted weakly.

He couldn't actually remember the last time he'd eaten. He did, however, remember that when he'd been under the control of Thanos he would sometimes miss many days' worth of meals when he wouldn't cooperate.

"I think we should start with broth. See how well that stays down before we give you solid food."

Before Loki could reply the door to the room opened.

Loki hadn't been paying attention before, but now that he could focus on something other than pain, he realized he had no idea where he was.

He would have to worry about that later, however, because the only thing that mattered at the moment was that he was weak and in pain, and the person who had opened the door was the man who could turn into a beast.

Loki had never moved so quickly in his life. It caused him more pain, but he didn't care. This man wasn't going to get hold of him again. He wouldn't survive another round of being smashed around.

He threw his legs over the side of the bed, intent on getting to his feet and running, using whatever strength he had left to push past Banner and get away.

"Loki," Arianna exclaimed, but he ignored her.

A sharp pain went through his chest and it had nothing to do with physical wounds. He'd trusted Arianna as much as he could trust anyone. He'd allowed her to lead him out of his tormented mind only to have him awake here with the one being in the whole of Midgard that had been able to hurt him.

As soon as Loki's feet hit the floor, he stood up only to fall right back down. The pain that fired throughout his body took his breath away and jarred him enough to break through his adrenaline-addled body.

So he couldn't even stand? How was he to escape his fate if he couldn't walk?

"Loki," the girl whispered, kneeling beside him. "I know what you're thinking, and it's not true. I didn't betray you, and Bruce will not hurt you. He has no reason to now."

Loki didn't respond vocally, but when Banner tried to help him stand and sit back on the bed Loki allowed it without complaint. The doctor was surprisingly careful and gentle with him.

"He needs water and food," Arianna said. "Broth to start off with. He is extremely malnourished."

Banner nodded. "I'll have Tony get something brought here. What should I tell Thor and –"

"They'll want to see him."

Loki noticed that Arianna was looking at him. She wasn't dictating that they had to see him. She was giving him a choice. He could decide for himself.

He gave a quick nod and Banner left. Only a few seconds passed before both Thor and his mother flooded into the room.

"Loki. My son," Frigga said and sprinted to his bedside. "You're awake."

"Careful," Arianna said. "He's still in pain. I wasn't able to heal him as fully as I wanted to."

"He is able to be awake," Thor said. "That is enough."

"Okay, well . . . I'll leave you guys to it."

Loki stiffened when Arianna touched his shoulder, but she didn't remove her hand.

"I'll be back shortly with some water and your food." ----------

Once outside the room, Arianna slid down to the floor with her back against the wall. She was exhausted mentally and physically. She'd had to break through Loki's defenses and she'd had to fight against Thanos. If he was that powerful in Loki's mind, she hoped she never came across him in real life.

She'd been anxious to get outside and help the victims of the earlier battle, but now she was glad she had to wait. She probably couldn't hold up against a flea at the moment.

Unbidden, tears stung her eyes. What was she doing? What had she been doing for the past however many hours? She'd been helping a criminal. True, Loki had been through a lot, but did that matter, really, in the grand scheme of things? Who knew what he'd done before he'd been tortured? Maybe he'd been bad all along. She didn't know.

A quiet sob escaped her and she clapped a hand over her mouth. She would not do this here where just anyone could walk by and see her.

"Aries?"

A figure hovered over her – short, dressed in black, red hair. Natasha – before sitting down with her. Arianna should have known that Natasha would be nearby. There was no way Tash would've gone far knowing her friend was in the other room with a psychopath.

"What's wrong? Did Loki hurt you?"

"No. Loki can barely sit up or stand. He's . . . he's – if he'd been human before now, he'd be dead."

"But he's not."

"No. I helped him a little bit . . . he's not him. Or . . . maybe he's more himself than ever. I don't know. But he's not the guy who tried to take over the world."

"That's a good thing. Why are you crying?"

"Because he's been through a lot, Tash. And I felt some of it. And I'm tired, and I just can't do anything else today."

"Then don't. You always push yourself too hard and then you end up feeling awful for days."

Arianna knew that was true, but she also knew she had several reasons for doing so. Because her best friend was a superhero, whether Natasha believed that or not, Arianna felt the need to prove that she was as useful as the other Avengers. She couldn't actually fight the bad guys, but she could clean up their messes. That was her job – or it had been until now.

"Am I crazy for wanting to heal him?" she asked. "I mean, I feel it was the right thing to do, but –"

"It is unprecedented," Natasha said. "But you also wouldn't be you if you didn't want to help. Just because he's a villain doesn't mean he can't also be a victim."

"He is," Arianna said. "He is a victim."

Natasha smiled softly. "Sometimes you care too much, Aries. Sometimes I think you're in the wrong line of work." ---------- Inside the room, Frigga was apologizing to Loki.

"Why did you not say anything before I stripped you of your powers?"

"I did not wish for you to know," Loki said.

What Loki wished was for Thor and Frigga to leave him alone. He was sitting up to save face, but he needed to lie back down. It was physically hurting him to stay upright.

And where was Arianna? He wouldn't admit it out loud, but he felt just a bit better with her in the room, and he would definitely need her with him once his mother and brother left. None of the other hero-types would dare touch him with her present.

Just as he was getting close to keeling over, Arianna came in. She was balancing a tray with a bottle of water and a steaming bowl of what Loki assumed was the broth she'd mentioned earlier.

"Hey," she said. "I got some vegetable soup and, obviously, water. You should lie down. I've got you covered."

She gestured to the tray she was holding. It had two legs that came down, one on either side.

Loki relaxed against the mattress, but he couldn't say he felt any more comfortable at all.

Arianna placed the tray down, one leg on either side of him, and then she reached down on the side of the bed. There was a small click and then then head of the bed was moving upward.

Loki stiffened. What kind of magic was this?

"It's just a hospital bed, Loki," Arianna said. "It'll help support you while you eat."

The soup looked good and smelled even better. He was so hungry, though, that the smell almost turned his stomach.

"Don't force yourself to eat, but you do need water. Drink it slowly or you'll get sick."

Why was she being so nice to him? What did she want?

"How long are you going to stay?" Arianna asked, looking at Thor and Frigga. "Not that you have to go, but you probably made the records with that energy spike you let loose by coming to this realm."

"In the morning when you begin the healing sessions again, we will leave," Frigga said. "You need to sleep and someone will need to stay with Loki."

"I am not a child," Loki said. "No one needs to stay."

That was a complete and utter lie. He needed someone with him because he really couldn't do for himself at the moment. The only thing that had been keeping the pain at bay had been his magic, and now he didn't even have that.

And . . . Arianna was going to continue to heal him? Why? For what purpose?

"Why would you do this for me?"

Arianna smiled softly. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I tried to destroy this city," he responded as if it were obvious.

"You didn't want to destroy it. You wanted to rule it."

Those were his own words from earlier and now she was throwing them back at him. Before he could respond, however, Arianna saw her way out of the room.

Both Thor and Frigga had small grins on their lips and Loki rolled his eyes.

Loki didn't find anything funny about having his words thrown back at him. In fact, it only made him remember her earlier words. She'd wanted him to help save her city even though he'd been the one to bring destruction down upon it.

Lost in his own thoughts, Loki was surprised when warm liquid filled his mouth. It was the vegetable soup. It had a savory flavor as if it had been made with chicken broth.

His mother had brought a spoonful of soup to his mouth. Thankfully, Thor had already gone; Frigga must've sent him away.

Loki was able to eat a few of the vegetables, but he stuck mostly to the broth. He was able to finish his water, however. ---------- Down in the lobby area, Arianna and the other Avengers were lounging around on the furniture, waiting for word on what they were supposed to do next.

Director Fury had called Tony to schedule a meeting, which just meant they'd been given about a five-minute heads up on Fury's arrival. He'd probably gotten readings of energy when Frigga had arrived on the balcony of Stark Tower.

What if he found out they were harboring Loki there? What if Fury already knew?

They would try to take Loki away and Arianna didn't know if she would allow that, not without healing him first. If she intervened, however, they would probably take her away too. They would arrest her for aiding and abetting – or they would try to. Natasha would probably stand by her and Clint would too, not because they cared what happened to Loki, but because they cared what happened to her; Thor would help her if only so she could continue helping Loki; Tony would stand by her just to make Fury angry.

The only wild card was Steve Rogers. If he thought them taking Loki was the right thing to do, he would let them.

Bruce wouldn't want to be involved at all.

When Fury arrived, Arianna basically shrank into herself. He was one of the most intimidating men she'd ever met. It had nothing to do with his height or the fact that he wore an eyepatch. It had everything to do with the way he carried himself. He had a no-nonsense attitude along with all the confidence in the world.

He could back that confidence up, too. He had the power and ability to do pretty much whatever he wanted, and he usually did whatever he had to do to get a job done.

"Where is he?" were the first words that came out of Fury's mouth.

"Where's who?" Tony asked.

"Don't play dumb with me. Where's the one who killed Coulson?"

"He is hurt," Arianna said softly. "And he can't be moved."

"Can't be moved? If I were to try and take him from here, who would stop me?"

Thor was the first to step up and then it was Arianna. Standing next to the god of thunder, Arianna didn't think Fury was all that frightening. Tony stood by her as Arianna had thought he would.

Natasha and Clint hesitated, but Natasha did say, "Director, from what Agent Grace says Loki was tortured into submission. He was promised more pain if he didn't obey."

"And did Loki just offer up this information freely?" asked Fury, sarcasm lacing his voice.

"Not exactly," Arianna said.

And here was the turning point. She could either fess up and be turned into a weapon or she could keep quiet about everything and let Fury find Loki and take him away.

"Director Fury, I saw into his mind. I . . . didn't want to, but –"

"You what?"

"It's complicated," she said.

"I suggest you uncomplicate it," Fury demanded.

"I manipulate energy, Director. That's how I heal, and you know that. I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to."

"Like reading minds . . ."

"It was more like I could see what was in the forefront of his mind, and I didn't mean to do it. Our energies merged together and I just did."

"Why wasn't I made aware of this? Do you know how much you could do?"

"Yes, and that's why I didn't let you know. I mean, I'm basically a power source – like the Tesseract, and you wanted to make nuclear weapons out of that. I refuse to be used for destruction."

Arianna was aware she was exaggerating a bit. She couldn't really do anything she set her mind to, but she could do a lot. She had never really practiced, though, and she didn't really want to. She was fine not knowing how much she was capable of. She could heal people and that was enough for her.

"We have everything under control here," Tony said. "The guy is contained and no longer a threat."

"The energy readings you received earlier were from another Asgardian coming into our realm, sir," Natasha said. "Thor's and Loki's mother. She stripped Loki of his powers, so he really is harmless."

"He's mortal now," Thor said.

"He's still a terrorist and needs to be taken into custody," Fury stated.

"Not until he's better," Arianna said. "Give me a week."

"A week and he'll be better? Strong enough to be moved?"

"Yes. There are emotional traumas as well, but I can't really mend those."

"Well, we have psychologists to deal with that," Fury said. "You have a week, Agent."

Without further ado, Fury walked out the same way he came in.

"Thor, do you mind getting me the Tesseract? I can't actually heal Loki in a week, not by myself."

"What do you intend to do with it?" Thor asked, not suspicious but curious.

"Borrow energy." ---------- Loki was lying down and trying to sleep when Arianna came back to his room. He'd thought she was gone for the night but he'd obviously been wrong.

Thor was with her and he was carrying the container that held the Tesseract. What were they doing with it? He'd failed in his mission, and he couldn't get the Tesseract to Thanos now that he was mortal.

"We have a problem," Arianna said. "Fury wants to take Loki away. I bought us some time, but . . ."

"But?" Frigga asked.

"He only gave me a week." Arianna looked at Loki. "You don't want to be hurt when they take you from here. They might not hurt you further, but they won't take the time to heal you either."

"Are you sure no one would harm him?" Thor asked. "When Fury had him before, he asked me to . . . torture Loki to get information. He didn't seem to like it when I refused."

Arianna wasn't surprised when she found out Fury had suggested torture, but it had been different then. Fury didn't need information anymore and they already had the Tesseract.

"I want to spend another couple of hours healing you tonight. I can't heal the lashes until the infection leaves your body, but I can take the burns away, as long as you don't fight me this time."

"Of course I won't fight you," Loki said. "I don't think I was the one blocking your power last time."

Thanos, Arianna thought. Of course.

"Okay. I'm gonna need the room again," she told Thor and Frigga. ---------- "Oh, why isn't this working?" Arianna cried as she tried for the fifth time to draw the Tesseract's power into herself. "I did it without a problem earlier."

"Earlier you had not depleted your own energy," Loki said. "Your body is simply tired, as is your mind."

Loki had been watching her struggle for over thirty minutes now. Perhaps he was not meant to be healed that night. Pain was not new to him, so he could endure it.

"How did you end up with Thanos?" Arianna asked softly.

"I was . . . I fell off the Rainbow Bridge in Asgard."

"The what?"

"It's a bridge to other realms. When used with the Bifrost, it can take you anywhere in an instant."

"Oh."

Loki explained that he and Thor had been fighting and then Thor had destroyed the Bifrost. Both Loki and Thor had been hanging over the edge and Odin had stepped in. Odin had grabbed onto Thor and Loki had grabbed onto Thor's hammer. Loki had let go.

"And you woke up in a hell dimension?"

"If I'd had it my way, I wouldn't have woken up anywhere."

Arianna froze where she sat with the Tesseract in front of her, the blue cube shining bright but its power still not accessible to her.

"You wanted to kill yourself?"

Instead of answering directly, Loki said, "When I was a child I would spar with Thor. We had little toy swords and battle armor for children. He always won due to brute strength. Odin would pit us against each other in all things physical until I eventually just stopped fighting him."

"Did Odin get angry?"

"Yes."

Loki didn't know what he was doing. He shouldn't have said any of that. He didn't open up to people and especially not to people he'd just met. He blamed it on the pain he was in and the gratitude he tried not to feel for this girl for caring enough to help him. The extreme exhaustion didn't help him hold his tongue either.

"So, Thor is a warrior," Arianna said. "And you? What did you like to do?"

Loki was surprised to find Arianna was looking at him with open curiosity. She wasn't just asking. She really wanted to know.

"I spent most of my time in the library or studying magic with my mother, which made me an outsider."

"Why?"

"In Asgard men are expected to know how to fight. That's how they are recognized as men. It's how they are ranked. If you don't know how to fight, it is frowned upon."

"But you know how to fight."

"Yes, but not the way Thor does. He's stronger and bigger. I can't just punch my way out of a situation."

"Oh. And magic? What do they think of that?"

"It's considered underhanded. I can fight hand-to-hand if I must, but magic is my strength. I use it when I fight."

"I see nothing wrong with that."

"Of course not. You're a woman."

Loki noticed his remark made Arianna tense up and he realized how condescending he must've sounded.

"I assure you I didn't mean that the way I said it. I only meant that it was normal for women to study magic. Not so for men. There are very few warriors who are female."

"Hm. I hate fighting, so I would fit right in there. And I don't consider what I do to be magic. Others might see it as such because they don't understand how it's done, but . . . to me it's as natural as breathing. Or it normally is."

Loki realized that he knew next to nothing about this girl – and to him she was a girl. He was almost fifteen-hundred-years-old and she was probably twenty-five at the oldest.

Loki had been able to look into the other Avengers before he'd even attempted to fight them. Since Arianna had been called in only slightly before the attack on the city, he hadn't thought to ask Barton about her. He hadn't even known she existed.

She was by far the most interesting of the Avengers. She had so much power yet to look at her made one think otherwise. She was treating him like a friend would even though they couldn't be friends. They barely knew each other.

"Why're you being so nice to me?"

"Why not?"

That was the same answer she'd given earlier when he'd asked her why she was doing everything she could to heal him. It was infuriating.

"Don't give me that. I tried to take over your world. I destroyed half this city. You have every right to hate me. Aren't you angry? Do you not want revenge?"

To Loki's surprise, the girl laughed softly.

"You forget, Loki, that I saw into your mind. I know enough to know that your psyche was messed with enough to twist you into something you really aren't. And you're right. I could hate you, but I choose not to. Hate is a poison, one of the most lethal kinds.

"And correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that you hate yourself enough for everyone. We don't need to do it for you."

For some reason, unknown even to Loki, her response made rage flow through his veins.

"Why do you care?" he almost yelled. "What are you getting out of this?"

Loki noticed with some satisfaction that Arianna had flinched when he'd raised his voice. That was when he realized the conundrum that was Arianna. She was both one of the boldest and most easily frightened people he'd ever met. She didn't care for confrontation, but she wasn't afraid to tell anyone what was on her mind either.

"I care because . . . I don't know. I don't really have a good reason. I just care about people. I don't like seeing people hurting or suffering when they don't need to."

This she said softly, as if she were trying not to wake a sleeping child, but then she looked at Loki more seriously, almost glaring.

"As for what I'm getting out of it, it's peace of mind. I don't help people just because they need help. I help because I can, because I have the power to. I find it revolting that there are so many people in this world who can help but choose not to.

"So to ease your troubled mind, this has nothing to do with you. I'm trying to heal you for the sole purpose that you are suffering and I can end it. It makes me feel better when I help those in need.

"Now if you don't mind, please shut up. I'm trying to work."

#loki #loki/oc #loki x reader #loki/ofc #love is healing #chapter four

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hyperfixationtimego · 4 years ago

Note

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

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shattered-catalyst · 4 years ago

Text

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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woman-of-culture · 4 years ago

Text

The traitor 2/2

Dabi x reader

I really needed to finish this bc I couldn't focus on literally anything but Dabis dick. 🥵

Warnings: 18+, smut, Dabis identity

Part One

Words: 7,864

What’s one word to describe this trip you ask? Nerve-racking, from the moment you left your apartment to the moment you entered the bus. Everything seemed like a blur at this point as you walked through the bus to find the only empty seat next to your target, Bakugou. It’s not exactly guilt you felt, you knew this was inevitable, but you did contemplate the outcome of this.

The League could fail, although that was unlikely from the plan Dabi told you, he could refuse or he could possibly join by some miracle. You haven’t the slightest clue but you were damn sure on one thing, you were gonna do everything in your power to ensure the Leagues success from the shadows. Sitting next to Bakugou you made sure to give him a curt nod as a sort of greeting.

“Haah? What makes you think you can sit there you damn extra?” “What do you want me to do? Stand for how many hours this trip takes? No thanks, if you don’t want to sit next to me then get up and leave.”

That seemed to pop a nerve in the boy, making him shout for a few seconds but ultimately falling silent when Aizawa told him to be quiet. ‘Thank God’ you thought to yourself as you laid back, thinking of ways to get the schedule for the next few days.

You put your headphones on, not wanting to be distracted by any unnecessary noise as your mind slowly drifts off to this morning.

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You woke up to the annoying sound of your alarm clock bursting to life just to make your life a little more miserable. “For fucks sake, who schedules a trip for 6 AM...” You thought, silently groaning at the stiffness in your body. You got up, stretched, did your morning routine of brushing your teeth, combing and styling your hair etc.

Ready to go make yourself breakfast, you certainly didn’t expect Dabi to still be here, let alone fully awake and shirtless in the middle of your kitchen. You discreetly admired his physique from the entrance of the kitchen, gawking at the muscles on his back, flexing every time he reached for something.

‘Holy shit’ you knew Dabi was an attractive and physically fit man, despite his kinda lanky built, but this wasn’t what you were expecting at all. His shoulders and 1/3 of his back are the same charred skin covering his face and chest but what you weren’t expecting was he smooth, pale skin of the rest of his back. The contrast extremely attractive in your eyes as you do nothing but stare and wonder what the front view is like.

As if hearing your thoughts, he turns slightly exposing the well defined muscles of his abdomen. Your eyes drawn immediately to the harsh skin of his collarbone, down the valley of his abs to the exposed, very prominent and very attractive v-line dipping to his most private area.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying the view but it’s not exactly nice to stare so hard for so long unless you’re planning on doing something about it.” Visibly flinching, you turn around, (poorly) hiding your more than flushed cheeks. “Get over y-yourself! I was just wondering why you were still here since you usually leave b-before I wake up.” “Aaw, dollface is so flustered she can’t even look me in the eyes. Don’t be so embarrassed, it’s normal to feel excited after that. You know, I could help with that in no time flat-...”

“OK, OK I GET IT! Shut up and answer my question, what are you still doing here?” You turn to face him, metaphorical steam coming out of your ears at his daring comments. He returns to what he was previously doing, which you now notice is making coffee and a sandwich. “Well I...don’t need to answer that.” He avoids the question completely, taking the 2 cups of coffee and sandwich to the living room table.

“That’s not fair Dabi! My house, my rules. Now answer the question.” Thinking he made a sandwich just for himself, you go to the fridge but stop once he called out to you “It’s your sandwich dumbass, I can’t eat in the mornings...” The last part being whispered as if it’s some secret.

You whipped your head so fast in his direction you’re surprised your neck didn’t snap. “What!? You? Dabi? The leach in my life who comes here just for the food, made something for me?“ You walked to the living room as you looked at him dead in the eyes. You leaned in far too close for his liking with narrowed eyes asking “What did you do to Dabi? Am I still sleeping? Toga, is that you?”

The proximity and teasing enough to slightly fluster him. He pushed at your face with his hand, blocking your view of him as he told you to shut up and eat like a normal person in silence.

You grabbed his hand, giggling as you removed it and agreed to eat while watching TV.

“...I won’t be able to come so often...” He mumbled into the coffee after a few minutes of silence. “Won’t be able to come? What are you talking about?”

“Well, you’re going to be at the camp in a few hours so I won’t be able to see you while you’re there...not to mention if this mission is a success and we get the explosive kid, that means I’ll have to be at the base more to keep watch and whatever. So I stayed today to be with you just a little more...” He said, not lifting his gaze from the TV during that whole monologue.

It now dawns on you, Dabi won’t be able to come in the evenings to spend the nights with you. “Oh” was the only word that left your mouth, unable to comprehend just how much this moment truly proved your feelings towards Dabi.

With a gentle smile on your lips, the slightest pink dusting the corners of your cheeks, you replayed his words over and over like a broken record. The smile on your face growing little by little as you thought of your own parents, who seemingly didn’t want you, just to then have Dabis words replay again and again assuring you there was someone who wanted ‘to be with you just a little more...’

The thought making you leap into his chest for a hug neither of you expected yet both enjoyed. “Uh, you okay Y/N?” He asked, patting you on the head. “Yeah! Can we - Can we just stay like this for a few minutes...please?”

“Sure, doll”

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That was your final interaction with Dabi this morning, shortly after getting up and leaving to go to UA. The moment you closed your door you hoped wholeheartedly you could see him in a few days, unscathed and exactly as you left him.

“Yo, dumbass! Move so I can get off the damn bus.” “Ah Bakugou...always one to ruin the peaceful atmosphere.” You mumble as you grabbed your stuff and got off the bus.

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“No more...” you mumble to yourself after the 8 hour trail down the mountain accompanied by some sort of clay beasts. While no one was paying attention, you quickly shot a text to Tomura with your current location. Your mentors for the duration of the camp, the Pussycats, praise you for the job well done and tell everyone to go to the dining hall for dinner and afterwards, take a bath and relax. The bath was a close call thanks to a certain pervert trying to scale the wall but thanks to the Kota he fell flat in the bath with a most endearing cry of pain, making the sadistic side of you giggle.

The next day was all about quirk training. Aizawa explained that everyone has grown emotionally but now was the time to focus on physical growth. Everyone got set up with personalized training, such as Bakugou dunking his hands in boiling water or Sero producing tape nonstop. You got set up with your own training regime and solely focused on that till about 4 PM - with the exception of a few breaks where you decided to snoop around a bit and ask one of the Pussycats if there were going to be more teachers here later on and the next days activities.

After the excruciating training, everyone was given the task of making dinner for the night, that being curry.

You smiled to yourself as you reminisced on the last time you made curry.

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You made your way home, exhausted and sore from the sparing session you just had with Dabi. He was merciless but you couldn’t deny the immeasurable help he provided, pushing himself and you past your limits after such a tiring day.

You opened the door to your apartment and set what little ingredients you got on the way back. “So Dabi, what do you want to eat?” You asked, expecting him to ramble on and on about some complicated meals, forcing you to make a whole feast.

“Curry.” The one word response had you looking at him with an eyebrow raised. “That’s it? Just curry?” “Yeah, got a problem with it or something?” He questioned, sitting on the couch with you following shortly. “No, not at all. I was just expecting something...more?” “You want me to name more? Ok, let’s start with-...”

“No, no. Too late now, I’m gonna go make the best damn curry you’ve ever had in your life.” You jump up before he can get a word in and head straight for the kitchen.

He looked at the direction you ran off to, a small smile making it’s way on his face as he thought of the enthusiasm you displayed just to cook some food. He’d never tell you, but the only reason he asked for just curry is because it was easier to make, filling and took less time. He knew you were exhausted, mentally (from the meeting with HandMan) and physically (from your intense training session), so he wanted to lessen the burden. This is when he truly began to care for someone again, to care for their well-being. The thought putting an even bigger smile on his face.

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Somewhere in the distance, on a cliff overlooking the whole forest lay 4 villains. 2 who you were very familiar with, that being Dabi and Toga. The last 2 you’ve never met before (thanks to your decrease in bar visits). One stood tall with a mask covering his face and a cloak covering his whole body from head to toe while the other had some sort of gasmask.

“Throbbing, it’s throbbing. Let’s hurry up already” The one with a mask covering his face said, antsy to start a fight. “Need I remind you Muscular of the one person you can’t fight?” Dabi asked, turning with a glare towards the said villain.

“Some (hair color and length) haired bitch with (eye color) eyes, riiight? What does it matter if I fight her? If I just passed her wouldn’t it seem suspicious? How about I break a few bones for good measure?” He taunted with a shit eating grin adorning his face. “Do that and I burn you till there's nothing left, not even ashes...” Dabi answered with full confidence, knowing he could easily cremate him - even with his quirk.

He scoffed, side-eyeing him. “What’s even the deal with her? Is she your personal slut or something? If she’s here, that means she’s a hero or student right? And I came here to fuck up every hero, present or future.”

Dabi, just about having enough of his ‘colorful’ language towards you turns but gets cut of by Toga. “Oh don’t be silly, how do you think we know the location of the camp? She’s the traitor amongst them.”

“Exactly, so we are currently here waiting for her to send a message about tomorrows activities and the attack plan.” Dabi monotonously to everyone he was already forming a plan to keep him as far away from you as possible.

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A new morning dawns and a new day of quirk training begins. Everyone resumed their training like normal except you who was more than visibly nervous thanks to the attack happening this evening at the test of courage.

By some miracle, you were able to locate a schedule left behind by one of the Pussycats detailing how after dinner there was going to be a test where Class B will try to scare Class A to prove their courage and creatively use their quirks. It seemed like the perfect opportunity given that Bakugou will be with one person in the middle of the woods without any teachers nearby.

When the time came you were paired up with Midoriya to be the last pair to enter the woods.

‘Perfect’ There was no better scenario, you will be able to go to the cabin in no time once the students will be inevitably forbidden to fight unless there was a need for it.

The fifth team, Uraraka and Tsuyu, have just left into the forest leaving you, Midoriya, Ojiro, Mineta, Iida, Koji and the Pussycats.

You’ve sort of isolated yourself from the group because you couldn’t act like everything's fine while in reality you were practically shaking with nerves. The problem was, you weren’t afraid for your well being, you were terrified for Dabis. You knew he was a more than capable fighter since you have sparred with him on more than one occasion but that still did little to ease your nerves.

Just as you were about to question what’s taking them so long you felt a harsh scent of black smoke in the air.

‘Ah, only Dabi can create such a fire to the point of instantly calming my nerves with the warmth it spreads.’ you thought as your attention was brought back by Pixie-bob’s head being smashed into the ground thanks to Magne, and Spinners instantaneous voice breaking the silence.

Game on...

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As instructed by the Pussycats you, Iida, Mineta, Koji and Ojiro ran towards the camp where you would have no other part in this attack. Your nerves for Dabi were hidden by the fact everyone thought it was because of the villains. You no longer needed to hide the fact you were shaking, eyes wide as saucers and slowly tearing up as you ran full speed trying to get away from the situation behind you.

Just a little more

Just a little...

“SENSEI!” The boys yelled for Aizawa the moment they saw the villain he pinned down...the same villain you hopped was far, far away from here...

“D-dabi...” You muttered, way behind anyone to hear as you stopped the moment the clearing came into view. ‘It can’t be...’ The thought of can and can’t leaving your mind the moment his head turned in your direction, making direct eye contact for just a second. In that second you clearly saw Dabis gorgeous teal eyes looking at you as if he didn’t expect you to be here.

You started heaving, chest rising up and down rapidly as you processed the scene in front of you. What was he doing here? You specifically warned him about Aizawa and that he couldn’t possibly fight him one on one. Dabi wasn’t the physical type, he relied on his quirk too much making him unable to fight someone like Aizawa for he would lose fast and hard.

You gulped feeling bile rise to your throat as you thought of your next move. No way...no way were you letting Dabi get caught. It would cost you your cover but you didn’t care. Taking a step closer, you decided to use the element of surprise to shock Aizawa with a simple attack, enough to distract him so you and Dabi could escape.

Before that could happen, Dabi used Aizawas shock at your arrival to get out of his hold and stand up. “This is as much damage as I can take, huh?” What did he mean by...that?

“Hey hero...” The capturing weapon gets tighter around him until it goes right threw him, revealing that the Dabi Aizawa was fighting was nothing more than a clone. “Are your students important?” He asked whilst looking at him straight in the eyes and disappearing into nothing but some brown sludge on the ground.

You couldn’t believe it...you almost blew your cover for a fucking clone...

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“Ah, dollface what took you so long?” Dabi asks as you enter the bar in full disguise - a hood covering your hair and a mask covering 3/4 of your face. It’s a pretty simple porcelain mask covering the top half of your face and half of your mouth with a complex pattern around the eyes. You even bought a voice-changer for this specific ‘guest’ of yours so he wouldn’t recognize you.

“Had some trouble after the mission” You answered, your voice (deeper/higher) than normal and a bit more mature-sounding. You walked up to Bakugou, chained to the chair like some sort of animal, examining for any injuries received during the attack. He lowly growled his disapproval for your proximity and told you to back off, which you complied to. Stepping to the farthest corner of the room away from everyone else you sat there while Tomura had a chat with him.

After a while it got extremely boring just hearing constant ‘join us’ and ‘no’-s. “What’s got you so moody doll? You haven’t even said hi.” Dabi whispered as he leaned on the wall close to you.

“Nothing Dabi, I’m just not in the mood to talk.” Was your only response as you got up and made your way to the back of the bar. “Say, Bakugou-kun. Do you want anything to eat? Drink? You haven’t had anything in a while now, and the situation surely can’t be helping that”

“I don’t want anything your shitty ass makes, it would probably taste like crap anyways.” As if on cue, his stomack faintly growls signaling his obvious hunger. You rolled your eyes taking the simple sandwich you made to stand in front of him.

“Look Bakugou-kun. You can either eat this sandwich you watched me make so you could be assured I didn’t spike it, or you can sit there hungry until you starve. Your choice.” “And how am I supposed to eat with my hand completely restrained dumbass?”

“Aaw, does the baby want me to feed him then?” “FUCK NO YOU CUNT!” You giggled to yourself, amused at how Bakugou could be in this situation yet be so feisty at the same time.

During the whole conversation Dabi looked at you and him spitefully. So you didn’t want to talk to him yet you can joke with the brat like it’s second nature? He fumed on the inside yet kept quite as Shigaraki had something to say.

“That’s enough out of you (villain name). Leave it at the table and sit down.” You huffed yet complied as you sat in your previous position near Dabi. “So what was that about?” He tried to ask, emotionless as ever. “What was what about?” You ask, avoiding his burning gaze at the side of your face.

“That? You refuse to speak to me and immediately after hang around the brat as if he were your boyfriend. Mind telling me what I did so wrong for this sort of treatment?” It was subtle, but you could detect a hint of annoyance in his voice. This made you angrier and more annoyed than you previously were. What right did he have to be upset with you?

“Oh, I don’t know Dabi.” You sarcastically said as his name dripped like poison from your lips. “Maybe it was the fact you didn’t bother to tell me you had Twice make clones to distract Eraser. Or the fact I almost blew my cover trying to rescue a goddamn clone!” You whisper shouted, making sure no one but him caught the last part.

Meanwhile Tomura was giving Bakugou some speech about how corrupt hero society really is. You didn’t really pay attention thanks to the anger slowly boiling in your veins towards the man in front of you.

“Is that all? Really? You’re an idiot if you planned to do something as stupid as try to help ‘me’ escape, even if that wasn’t a clone.” His jealousy and anger ranting before the logical side of his brain could speak as he glared at you with anger, confusion and a hint of sadness. “I didn’t know you were going to retreat back to the camp. For all I knew, you were around the explosive kid over there. Was that why you were so apposed to this mission, you didn’t want us kidnapping your little boyfriend and him finding out the truth?”

Taken aback you do nothing but look at him as Tomura says to let Bakugou go (his order not reaching your ears because of your own conversation). He ignored him and simply told Twice to do it as he was still expecting an answer from you.

“I can’t believe it...you know full well why I rejected this plan and it was NOT for something so - so implausible.” You shake your head as your voice cracks at the end of the sentence.

“And what do you mean that’s all? I was scared for you, I actually believed you went to fight Eraser on your own. I wanted to help you because I care for you, I couldn’t possibly see you behind bars knowing I could’ve prevented it!”

“I never asked for you to care for me!” He didn’t even let you finish your little rant, slowly loosing what little patience he had, his calm-ish charade cracking. “There is no reason why you would waste your time with that and risk all the time you put into...infiltrating them.” He whispered the last part as he noticed several eyes drawn to the conversation.

“No...reason?” You looked at him in disbelief “Of course there’s a reason! I could never NOT care for you” Your voice, along with you agitation, slowly went higher as the sentence continued. “WHY? Why would you care enough to risk everything?!” He followed your lead, voice getting louder.

“BECAUSE I THINK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

...

You could literally hear a pin drop at the end of your outburst. Everyone looked at you two. Even Shigaraki, who was now in front of an unrestrained Bakugou - who took advantage of the moment and set off an explosion right in his face, causing ‘father’ to be knocked off.

Everyone looked mortified, you most of all for both your outburst and the new development in Bakugous case, knowing that he was most likely going to get killed now.

“My bad for ruining the moment but I’ve listened to his endless talking long enough. Idiots can’t get to the point so they’re always talking for a long time. Basically you mean ‘We wanna harass people, so please join us,’ right?”

Oh he was soo fucked.

But what surprised you the most was the fact Shigaraki didn’t attack. No, he even ordered to not even touch him. Was this really Shigaraki? In any other situation he would instantly decay any person that dares touch ‘father’ let alone knock him off his face. He just calmly picked up ‘father’, placed it on his face and continued to talk. Has he...matured?

You though in complete disbelief, forgetting your outburst from a minute ago. But the person beside you refused to look away from your side profile, even to see Shigarakis next actions.

‘In love’ being the only phrase in his mind.

While there was a stare down happening between Shigaraki and Bakugou, a knock sounded from the door.

“Hello, this is Pizza-La, Camino store.”

You raised an eyebrow in suspicion as you looked around the room. “The fuck? Who ordered piz-...”

You weren’t even able to finish you question when a loud and obnoxious “SMAAASH!” was heard throughout the bar as, low and behold, All Might comes crashing threw the wall, throwing debris in every which direction making it impossible to see for a few seconds due to the dust that came along with it.

Those few seconds proved incredibly important as you weren’t able to see a piece of brick flying straight for your face, cracking your mask almost down the middle, barely keeping itself up at that point. The breeze that accompanied almost threw your hood down but thankfully Dabi was there to secure it into place. You looked at him, being reminded of your earlier mistake but quickly focused on the battle as Kamui Woods came next and captured everyone.

As Dabi was focusing on setting the trees on fire he didn’t notice Gran Torino who instantly knocked him out with a single kick. You screamed out his name, your voice-changer not functioning as your scream cracked in the middle, revealing your real voice for a second.

When Kurohiri tried to summon the Nomu waiting in the secret location, he was unable to teleport them as they seemed to be missing from their usual spot. Next he tried to teleport everyone out but was promptly knocked out by Edgeshot who seemed prepared for his next move.

‘No’...You were surrounded, unable to lift a finger and your mask slowly cracking and sliding down your face. ‘What now..think Y/N, think...’

“Didn’t I tell you earlier that it’d be in your best interest to stay put?” Gran Torino said as he began calling out every villain in the bar.

...Kenji Hikiiski

...Atsuhiro Sako

...Shuicki Iguchi

...Himiko Toga

...Jin Bubaigawara

You waited with bated breath...waited for your own name to be called out, maybe even Dabis but that’s where the list ended. ‘That’s it? That means they don’t know who I am just yet.’ The ray of hope diminishing the moment you realized the condition of your mask, as soon as it falls off every single person in the room will know your identity. Your heartbeat began to pick up it’s pace, panic setting in.

You looked around the room, trying to think of something...anything! that could possibly help in this situation. Your focus breaking the moment Tomura shouted ‘I hate you’ towards the no.1 hero.

Grayish-black liquid encompassed everyone in the bar, including yourself. ‘The Hell?! What is this?’ You thought panicking even more until Tomura mumbled on word.

‘Master?’ You questioned...MASTER, OF COURSE!

Relief set in at the thought of master saving you, looking over at Dabi you couldn’t help the serene close of your eyes the moment you saw him getting teleported as well. Thank God.

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You fell to the ground with a thud as you looked at your surroundings. Everyone was here, including Bakugou, with master standing in the front speaking to Tomura. You quickly looked around spotting Dabi on the ground, laying still unconscious.

Quickly picking yourself of the ground you made your way to Dabi, picking his head up and laying it on your thighs so he could be somewhat comfortable, even if he wasn’t awake yet. However, you felt your mask cracking completely and falling to the ground. You quickly set your gaze downwards before Bakugou could get a look at your face, thankfully he seemed to be preoccupation with starring at master, a quite intimidating man who, by the looks of it, defeated 3 pro’s by himself, including the no.4 hero Best Jeanist.

Discreetly, you tugged on Mr. Compresses pant leg. “Atsuhiro, I know this isn’t the best time to ask, but could you give me your mask?” You ask whilst taking a peak at him to show him your mask completely broke.

“Of course, Y/N. Here.” He whispered back, handing you his mask. You mumbled your thanks as you looked at master who was having his own monologue.

“You’re here, after all, aren’t you?” ‘Oh for fucks sake, it isn’t over yet?’

Like an instant headache, All Might comes swooping in from the sky, attacking master instantly. Toga comes to you, protecting you since you couldn’t use your quirk with All Might and Bakugou here...plus the few uninvited guests behind a wall of debris. This just got a whole lot more interesting.

You let Atsuhiro use his quirk on Dabi whilst you took the pearl, securing it in your small weapons carrier you had for these types of situations. As instructed, everyone began attacking Bakugou hopping to recapture him.

While you were in the air thanks to some attack strategies you planned out with the rest a while back, you noticed Midoriya, Kirishima, Iida and Todoroki getting ready to execute some sort of plan to get to Bakugou. You landed just in time to see them propell themselves using Midoriyas quirk and then using Iidas boosters on Todorokis ice to fly high and fast. Kirishima yelled for Bakugou to come to them - which he did.

Ah, a truly brilliant strategy to save Bakugou whilst not engaging in head to head battle. You noticed Todoroki and Yaoyorozu making a quick escape but only smirked as you watched them leave. A sort of apology from you to them.

Since there was no longer a reason to stay, master urged us to leave, forcing Magnes unconscious body to propel every male towards you and Himiko, who were conveniently placed in front of the portal he forced Kurogiri to make a few minutes prior.

‘Well, this is gonna hurt’ You thought as 3 guys came crashing into you full force.

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Dabi suddenly awoke with a searing headache, he couldn’t focus on his surroundings let alone remember what happened the moment prior to him pacing out.

“Good morning, here are some painmeds if the headache gets worse and the water is next to the bed on the table. I’ll be coming back every hour to check up on you, so don’t worry, get some rest and sleep it off.” You quickly mumbled as you noticed Dabi was finally awake after a few hours of taking care of him and non-stop worrying. Before he could make sense of the situation, you quickly left the room to go God knows where.

As he was left alone for a few seconds he finally remembered what happened a few hours prior, the old geezer of a hero knocked him out when he was about to burn the restraints off everyone. He looked around the room, noticing he was in a unfamiliar surrounding. A black blanket covering his form, a small work desk not even 2 meters away from him and a wardrobe on the opposite end of the room.

After analyzing his surrounding he remembered your brief words to him before your departure, everything slowly falling into place. He got injured so you took him to your apartment and cared for him until he awoke.

He also remembered your last conversation, or rather confession. He knew he needed to go to you and make sense of the whole situation but he was unable to get off the bed as he felt something restraining his left arm.

Handcuffs - kinky, but currently not appreciated.

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For the past 2 hours you’ve been in the kitchen making all sorts of dishes just to pass the time and make up excuses not to go to your room. It’s been fun while it lasted but you couldn’t avoid this any more, what ere you going to do? Starve him to avoid him?

You made your way to the room, a millimeter away from the doorknob, second-guessing this whole thing. You turned around to leave and buy yourself another hour but a voice was heard on the other side of the door.

“You know, it’s quite rude to say you’ll be back in an hour and then leave for 2.”

‘Fuck’ was your sole thought as you entered the room, completely unaware of his expression as you looked to the foot of the bed, avoiding his gaze as much as possible.

“Sorry...the food took a bit more time to prepare than I thought” You mumbled as you made your way to the table near his bed, placing everything neatly and getting ready to leave.

As you turned around he grabbed you with his left arm, stopping you in your tracks. “You know we need to talk dollface.” He said as he pulled you a little closer to the bed.

“What’s there to talk about Dabi? I made a fool of myself in front of the whole League and practically yelled something neither of us was ready to hear... - wait” You exclaimed as soon as you noticed something was off. “Didn’t I cuff your left hand to the bed-?”

As soon as the thought left you he yanked you completely onto the bed, trapping you between himself and the mattress. Comfortably straddling your legs and cuffing both of your arms, in record time, to the bed frame so you couldn't struggle.

“ThE Hell are you DOing?” Your voice comes out as a shriek due to the immense surprise you felt in that predicament.

“Dabi, gEt off! You’re heavy and this is NOT the time to tease me” Tears formed in your eyes and your cheeks felt as if they were on fire, your struggling coming to an end once you realized he wasn’t budging. You gazed at his face, biting your tongue in anticipation for his next move.

He moved even closer if that was possible, looking at you straight in the eyes as your breath caught in your throat.

“What do you mean ‘you think’ you’re in love with me?”

Being caught off guard by the unexpected question, you just dumbly hummed a quiet ‘huh?’

“You said it earlier loud and clear, ‘I think I’m in love with you’, are you not sure Y/N?” The moment he used your real name instead of doll or dollface, you knew he was completely serious, no hint of sarcasm or malice laced in his voice as he kept on starring at your wide eyes.

His eyes encouraged you, silently begging for an answer as you moved your gaze away from him - a distraught look on your face.

“I...don’t know...” He slowly backed off, ready to get off you at your short response. “I get it...” But you continued before he could uncuff you and leave.

“I don’t know what it’s like to love someone! I- I have never had parental love, no friends and I certainly don’t know what it’s like to have romantic feelings since no one ever knew me and fully accepted me for me!” You quickly responded with your eyes closed, fearing his expression.

“Every time someone tried to talk to me I immediately thought ‘What if they find out I’m a villain, what if they don’t listen to my reasoning and stab me in the back the moment I turn around?’ I’m afraid of people abandoning me as soon as it gets dangerous! I can’t go threw that, not again!“ You quietly sob as one of your eyes opened, unable to see Dabi clearly threw the tears.

“But not you, you protected me and cared for me. I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want you to hate me. I love it when you break into my apartment, I love it when you eat with me, I love it when you train with me, I love it when you accidentally fall asleep on me, I love your perverted comments and even your complaints,

I love YOU Dabi!”

You finished, finally looking at him straight in the eyes to make your point clear.

“That’s stupid” was his only response as he leaned backwards, sitting upright with a look you couldn’t describe. Baffled, you were unable to respond, feeling empty. You wish you could cry but you stared at him unblinkingly, asking why he thought it was ‘stupid’.

“You say I know everything important in your life, your past, your present. And you’re right. I care for you deeply, more than I’d like to admit, I want for you to succeed, I want you to be happy because of all I know about you. But that doesn’t go both ways.” You could only stare at him as he continued his monologue.

“ I have a lot more baggage than you’re ready for, doll. You claim to love me when you know nothing about me, not even my name.”

“So let me get to know you.” Was your simple answer. “You’re right, I don’t know your past but I do know you now. You’re a firm believer in Stains ideology, you prefer spicy over sweet and you snore when you sleep.” You giggle at the end, remembering the first time you were there when he slept.

“I know there’s a lot I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to put in the effort to try. I want to get to know you Dabi and I want to help carry that baggage you so desperately need help with, that is, if you’re willing to give me a chance?”

“I was hoping you’d say something so cheesy.” Without missing a beat, his lips smashed ageings yours with fervor and a clear goal in mind to show you just how much he cares.

The different texture creating an almost intoxicating feeling, but of course, a simple peck was no good in his book. He tugged at your bottom lip as you complied almost instantly. His tongue invaded your mouth, creating incredible friction with his tongue piercing you didn’t know he had.

The longer the kiss lasted the faster his hands started roaming your body, every dip and every curve being explored with his abnormally warm hands. You wanted nothing more than to return the favor but unfortunately your hands were tied to the bed and no matter how much you struggled you couldn’t get free.

“D-Dabi...” You said in between impossibly short breaks he took for air. “Uncuff me, hah, I want- I want to touch you too.” You pleaded with a fog in your eyes, not being able to focus on anything other than the man in front of you - who situated himself between your legs during your little request.

“Not a chance doll, do you know what you did to me every time you teased me, even as a joke? Well now it’s payback time.” He finished whilst simultaneously sliding your shirt up to your hands, revealing your chest clad in nothing but a deep purple bra.

He went straight for your neck with a goal to leave the biggest and darkest mark humanly possible. He bit down, sucked and licked every surface your neck had to offer, leaving a few dark bruises in his wake. He bit down particularly hard on a spot just bellow your collarbone, breaking your silence as you let out a barely audible gasp and mewl.

He thrived on the thought that you didn’t mind some pain with your pleasure, smirking sadistically as you tried to ignore the hard-on that was pressing against your thigh. But the more you wiggled and squirmed the more prominent the bulge got, pressing higher and higher.

His hands move stealthily, agonizingly slowly against your chest and over to the back where he proceeded to remove it by burning the straps off. His knuckles barely brush against your now bare nipples as he eased his way down, truly a tease. He took a moment to look at your eyes, piercing blue staring at crystal (eye color). His eyes displayed nothing but dominance and a need for pure, white hot pleasure, you’d shiver if it wasn’t for the overbearing heat coming from his body and actions.

He smiles lazily, his hands withdrawing completely and to your sides where he leans a bit over you to look at you straight in the eyes.

“Tell me princess, what do you want next?” He husks right into your ear as you put no thought in your answer. “Anything, I don’t care what you do just as long as you make me come.”

“That’s not very specific doll, use your words and pick one - tongue or fingers” He situated himself back between your legs, taking off your shorts and (not so subtly) stares at your matching lingerie, taking in the dark spot with an ever growing smirk. “How about both?”

“Now that’s an answer I like.” His palms slowly drag up your calves as he places kisses along your thighs, getting closer and closer to the spot you wanted, needed the most. His fingers inch up higher and higher, under your lingerie, kneading the flesh of your ass. His tongue trails along your lower lips, getting only a taste of what’s to come.

You roll your hips to meet the sway of his tongue, feeling his fingers slide between the straps of your underwear, dragging it down in one quick movement. “Dabi...” You try to distract him from his starring as he lowers his head, immediately lapping up the slick that accumulated during his previous ministrations. You moan his name again, albeit louder than you previously thought you could.

He pokes his tongue against your entrance, slowly entering you with the mission to taste as much as his tongue would allow him. You’re moans increasing in volume once his tongue left your entrance and decided to tease your swollen bundle of nerves just above it.

What you weren’t prepared for was a singe digit making it’s way to your entrance, going in knuckle deep on the first go. “Fuck” You half moaned, half whined. You weren’t used to such an intrusion, his fingers being much larger and much longer than your own. You couldn’t deny the pleasure that started accumulating the more he moved his finger at an unforgiving pace and lapped up your clit as if it was the last time he could.

As time passed he added more fingers until he finally got to 3. By that time, the coil slowly building up was ready to burst and make for an unimaginable orgasm. You were moaning his name as if it was the only word you knew which, for the moment, wasn’t incorrect.

The moment he felt your walls constricting he quickly got up, leaving you empty and needy. He was even cruel enough to hold your legs apart so you wouldn’t even be able to rub your thighs together, he only watched as your walls tightened around nothing.

“Dabi, you jackass!” was your only reply, along with whines of protest as he got up and undressed himself completely - making a little show of his last piece of garment. Your whines and complaints instantly getting caught in your throat as you looked at the picture-perfect image in front of you. His scars perfectly contrasting his healthy skin. Your eyes wondering lower and lower until you got to the godly sight of his fully erect and weeping with precum cock. Drool practically pooling at the back of your throat as you looked at the image before you. His cock wasn’t really anything special when it came to length, but the part that got you wide eyed was the sheer girth of it and the Jacob’s ladder running from the base to the tip accompanied with a prince albert piercing at the very tip of his manhood.

“Aren’t you glad you waited Y/N? Would you have rather came around my fingers or around my cock?” He teased, fully aware of your sole concentration on his girth. “Say, I’m getting a little dizzy doll, how ‘bout you take the lead?” You fervently nodded your head, eager to have him fully sheathed inside you, not carrying about the position as long as you could get off. “Good girl” was his only response as he took the handcuffs off you.

Without missing a beat you grabbed him by the shoulders, flipping your positions and setting his back against the headboard so you could comfortably straddle his lap. He tried to tease you about your neediness but ultimately failed as you ground your hips against him, making you both sigh in a short lived relief. It felt like an explosion behind your eyes, getting all the confidence you needed just from his faint growls.

His chest is pressed against yours, nipples rubbing on rough skin creating friction almost too much to bare. Fuck, you really needed more.Your heart pounds against your ribcage, creating an almost painful sensation as you start another lewd kiss, teeth clashing and tongues meeting in the middle.

His hand lands on your hip, the other teasing your folds apart as you get ready for the main event. The tip presses against your entrance, piercing creating an indescribable feeling as you slowly descent. You can feel yourself heavily breathing, pussy throbbing at the stretch of his girth.

Obviously he had a hard time keeping still as he almost breaks the skin of his lips. ‘No more waiting’ was your single though as you began a faster pace, bouncing on his cock, feeling stretched beyond belief. At the first sign of your pleasure, he began slamming upwards, matching the descent of your hips. You were sure the vice like grip he had on your hips would leave pretty noticeable marks but that was currently the last of your problems.

The feeling of his piercings rubbing against your velvety walls accompanied by the undeniable pleasure you felt as he hit the deepest spots inside of you was enough to make you moan akin to a pornstar. The look on your face, the sounds you made and the feeling of your iron tight grip had him slamming you faster, harder.

“FucK, Dabi! I-I want to come! So, sO badly” you’re moaning, mumbling words of praise to the man beneath you. He doesn’t react much except for quite, deep groans. But you didn’t mind at all, attaching your lips once more for a short kiss as you continued moaning his name like a broken record.

Your mouth doesn’t stop trembling as you scream out a final ‘Dabi’, collapsing into his chest as he continues chasing his own high. He pulls out, finishing in his hand and a little bit of it ending on your lower back, neither of you minding as he quickly cleans it and lays on his side with you comfortably in his arms, facing away from him.

“I love you Dabi, I truly do.” were your final words as you closed your eyes. What you didn’t expect was for him to continue.

“Touya...call me Touya”

You were confused for a second until you realized ‘Ah, that must be his real name.’ You wished to continue the conversation, but the exhaustion finally hit you all at once so you were only able to mumble a quite ‘Allright, I love you Touya...’

He wasn’t sure if you heard him when he said ‘I love you too Y/N’ but that didn’t matter now. He could say it all he wants from now on.

#dabi x reader #dabi #bnha #bnha dabi #mha #dabi x y/n #dabi x you #dabi x reader smut #dabi smut #bnha smut #mha smut

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

Text

Survey #442

“the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?”

Would you ever sell your soul? No. Do you believe that something is going to happen in 2012? Welp, clearly not. I never believed it. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'd love to! When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Uhhh not since I visited Sara, I think. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Loud, for sure. Louder than I should listen to. Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo? No. What’s the last song you heard? "The Bird and the Worm" by The Used. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? No. What are you most likely to do when you’re exhausted; take a nap, drink some coffee, or go for a run to get yourself pumped up again? Naps definitely win. What are you most likely to pick if you got to choose your topic on a research paper; drug abuse, mental illness, or the death penalty? Mental illness, for sure. What is your favorite month of the year and why? October, bc aesthetic. What’s your least favorite animal? Probably wasps. They're mean fuckers that kill bees. What was your class song when you graduated? Some super shitty country song. Have you ever had to spend the night outside (not camping)? No. What`s the scariest living animal that you`ve petted? A tarantula, I'd say. She was a sweet rose hair that I literally did pet, which you absolutely should not do to tarantulas, but I knew nothing about them at the time. The urticating hairs on their abdomens cause serious itching, and I tell ya, that sure happened. So did you play old school Nintendo or Atari or Sega? If so which one? We had an old Atari for a long time. When/where did you meet your first love? In the hallway, during my sophomore year of high school. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? Hm, what qualifies as "regularly," really? I don't like my sister's husband, who I see semi-regularly, but I don't really talk to him. Does your family eat any unique foods for Thanksgiving that aren’t the norm? If so, what are they? Nah, not that I can think of. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor? Milk; I don't like it with water. I only eat the apples and cinnamon kind. Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video? If not, what was it of? It's a let's play. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after? Yes, and I still love it. What was the last book you had to read for school? Did you enjoy it, or were you just trying to get through? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I loved it. Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery? If so, how much did they win? Would/have you ever play(ed) the lottery? No to both questions. I have a very addictive personality, so I don't really mess with dangerous things that might tempt that behavior. What band/celebrity/etc. do you know the most information about? Who would you like to learn more about? Markiplier, ha ha. As for who I'd like to know more about... hm. Have your friends met the last person you kissed? Girt has. Who has made the biggest difference in your life? Jason. You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? Also Jason. -_- What is the name on your birth certificate (feel free to withhold your last name for privacy reasons)? Brittany Marie is all you need to know. Even if shopping isn’t your favorite... every girl has a favorite store. What’s yours? My favorite physical store is Hot Topic, but my favorite store overall is Rebel's Market, which I'm pretty sure is just an online source. Which type of undies do you wear most: Thongs, bikini/briefs, bootyshorts, or granny panties? Don't you dare laugh, I prefer "granny panties" lmfao. They're what I'm comfortable in, okay. How many nail polishes do you have, if you were to take a guess? *I* have none. Idk about Mom, but I know not a lot. Are you on birth control? Do you use condoms? I use birth control to regulate my period and ease cramps. If I was sexually active though, both would be musts for me. When did you start your period? How did you react? Who did you tell first? When I got home from school sometime in middle school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was EXTREMELY upset. Like, I cried, because I didn't feel like a kid anymore. My mom was the first to know. Have you ever had sex while on your period? If so, would you ever do it again? NO NO NO NO THAT SOUNDS SO GROSS LKASDFJ;AJW;LKERJA;WEJLRKQWLKE;JR. Which way do you swing (boys, girls, or both)? I'm bi. Or pan. I really don't know. Tell me ALL about your longest/most serious relationship. Are you still in that relationship? How about I don't, because doing that I'm sure will send me in a PTSD spiral. No, we're no longer together. Who is your ALL TIME best friend (don’t count your boyfriend, either, silly!)? Sara. I don't think I've been as close with any other best friend. Which one of your friends has the best singing voice? SARAAAAAAAAAAA. What shade are you in foundation or concealer? I don't have a clue. I don't wear either. Have you ever showered with someone? Boy or girl? Were you completely naked? "Were you completely naked." No, I shower with underwear on. I've showered with my little sister as well as my best friend as a kid. I've never shared a shower as an adult and don't want to. Do you think you’re good enough for the person you like? No. Are you a cuddler or no? If I'm really into you, YUP. And if it's not hot. Wouldn’t it be kinda annoying to have to share a bed every night? No. I miss it sometimes. Have you ever walked on a beach at night? Yes. It's beautiful. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Pretty easily, yeah. Would you marry someone you didn’t love if you were paid 10 thousand dollars? No. I just wouldn't be able to stomach doing that. I'm solely marrying for love. Have you had sex today? I haven't in many years. Do you still care about your last ex? Very very much! Do you own more then one bathing suit? Nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Yeah, but none I like. Who have you recently made up with after fighting? Nobody. Who do you WANT to make up with? Jason. Megan. Do you get scared easily? Hm. It really depends on the situation. Have you seen UP? Never the full movie, actually. I need to. How many coats of mascara do you use? I use it so rarely that I barely know. Two, maybe? What’s your favorite bracelet? The one Sara gave me. I used to always wear it, but it's worn down with time and is too loose for me now, so it's just with my jewelry. What color hair does your mom have? It's naturally gray now, but she dyes it black. Favorite song to listen to when you are mad? "Headache" by Motionless In White does it. What restaurant would you want to work at? NONE. I ain't working with hungry people. I don't want to work with people - period. When people ask “how are you?” do you say “good” even if you aren’t? Depends on who's asking. If it's a stranger or someone I barely know, odds are I'm just going to reply with "fine" or something like that. Were you honestly a good kid? Yes. Is anything wrong with your eyes? I have to wear glasses, so. Have you kissed or hugged anyone today? No. What is your mom’s and dad’s favorite TV show? I don't really know for either. Mom watches loads of shows, and I don't live with Dad, so. I know he really likes The Big Bang Theory, though, which Mom also loves. Have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair? No, but ~supposedly~, Dad did with his now-wife. I don't know what the fuck is true between my parents, though. Do you think buying second hand clothes is gross? It depends on the type of clothing (ex., used underwear is a huge fucking no), as well as the state it's in. Does it gross you out when your parents kiss? They're divorced. That would be incredibly weird, uncomfortable, and impossible with how I know at least Mom feels towards Dad. Do you have a playlist made on YouTube? Yeah, multiple. Do you like dollar stores? I mean, sure? They have good deals occasionally and are a good option to stop for a quick snack or something. Mom doesn't actually *shop* in them, though. What’s the last thing you bought from one? I think a honeybun. Do you think it’s weird how babies are made? Well, yeah. Science can be crazy, though. Have you ever lost a friend over the opposite sex? No. Are you comfortable in a short skirt? I wouldn't be comfortable in ANY skirt. Do you and your family go on a vacation ever year? We essentially never do. Vacations cost money. We don't have money to spare. When you were going out with your last ex and you had the chance to date your celebrity crush, would you have left your bf/gf for them? No, because it's not like I know him personally, while I know her very deeply. Who was your most romantic moment with? Jason. Do you sweat easily? Like you wouldn't BELIEVE. A side effect of one (or even multiple) of my meds is hyperhidrosis, so I can sweat an ocean in two minutes, it seems. It's disgusting, and I am so self-conscious about it. What’s one memory you wish would just vanish? Just a specific moment with Jason that is particularly agonizing to recall. Are you in love with someone? No. Partying or watching a movie? Partying isn't my thing. I'd have more fun watching a movie with friends. What pisses you off the most? Child molesters/rapists, probably. Where do you want to be at a year from now? I just want a job by then, dude. I also hope I've lost a lot of weight. Do you like pickles? Only dill pickles. If you saw someone broken down on the side of the road, would you stop to help? Honestly, no. I don't trust people. What do you do with your plastic grocery bags after you unload your things? We put our plastic bags into one big bag for later use. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Yes. How often do you use Flickr? I don't. I only ever check my friend's for meerkat photos, ha ha. Share three nice memories you have of the person you fell hardest for. No, unless you want me to cry. Have you ever made any of your friends cry? Not deliberately of course, but yes. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? God no, I look high. Out of all the guys you know, who would you trust to not cheat on you? Girt. I know he never would, especially because HE'S been cheated on. How do you plan on disciplining your children? NOT by physical means, I can tell you that much. If I actually had kids, I'd teach them through (hopefully) primarily deeply talking things out. If need be, there'd be time out, grounding, things like that. I do NOT support methods like spanking your kid, so that's a big no. If you could live in another country, would you? What country? Yes; Canada. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Quinn, probably. What’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have? It's a tie between depression and anxiety. What is your cure for hiccups? NOTHING works for me. It's the worst. Did you ever do anything in class that annoyed other students? I mean, I don't think so. Have you used a Ouija board and had a freaky experience with it? I've never messed with one, and I don't want to. I don't know if I believe in their supernatural abilities or not, but I ain't fuckin around and finding out. Do you stick with a political party, or vote for who you like best? I pick based on their policies and morals, not necessarily their party. Do you know anyone who is an albino? No. Word search or crossword puzzle? Word searches. When you watch a game show, do you like to see people win or lose? Aw, who wants to see them lose? It's great to see people win and be so excited. Do you have a pair of fake redneck, vampire, etc. teeth? No. What is your favorite Pixar film? Finding Nemo. Do you get really mad when you lose a game? Not at all. I'm not very competitive, and games are about having fun. When was the last time you used a pay phone? I actually don't think I ever have. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Jason. Do you go to church every Sunday? I never go to church as I'm not religious. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? Who the fuck cares. If they're comfortable and at least have a shirt on, let 'em. Most women have breasts, big whoop. Do you even like politics? God no. What’s it like at raves? Oh god, I'd never go. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? lol yes

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''self esteem'' by the offspring

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zevlors-tail · 4 years ago

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I’m glad you at least got lunch! Maybe try eating again if it’s not too hard? And I understand that family can suck sometimes, maybe straight up try telling them some stuff to clear things up a bit at first! Like set boundaries? Other than that, I do hope Thanksgiving isn’t a bust for you. Only eat as much as you’re comfortable with, but remember your definition of a lot is kind of a mind trick, so try to eat a bit more if you can. Overall, you’re very valid, and you deserve to have a good week

LIFE UPDATE

First of all, thank you for this whole thing, it’s very sweet and caring of you. I really appreciate people taking the time to reach out and make sure I’m okay and telling me to have a good week. <3 That means a lot to me that you guys do that.

Second, I’m just gonna make this my life update post since it kind of ties into everything I’m about to spill so uh.

TW: Eating Disorder and Covid mentioned under the cut in case anyone wants to scroll past or doesn’t want to read, which I understand. But here’s a lengthy life update that no one asked for.

TLDR: I’m moving soon, going on a mini hiatus, have been exposed to Covid, and generally not well but surviving.

I’ve been on an upswing today, so I’ll try to get this out rationally and coherently while I can. If you don’t know by now or you’ve somehow (luckily and miraculously) managed to not catch any of my stupid vent posts, hello! I’m Sweater, I’m 23, and I run this blog! I also have an eating disorder that I am actively trying to battle, and at this point I am in what I would call a full scale relapse for me.

Holidays this time of year (or any time really) are especially hard for me since food is a big factor in them. Without getting too much into specifics, restriction of food is common for me and often it just doesn’t feel or taste right. Eating can make me feel nauseous, disgusting, and ashamed, while not eating causes the exact same effect, except with the added point of apathy. Mostly this is an addiction that I have been fighting on and off since high school (a little over 5 years), but for me it’s also about punishment and control, and so when things get chaotic in my life, I tend to relapse habitually, sometimes without even realizing it. This can happen when I’m extremely stressed, when I feel out of control over my life, or just forget to take care of myself in general, whether that’s working through my lunches and breaks or sleeping too much or too little through meal times.

Right now, my life is really hectic. Covid has really upended everything for me, made me question my sexuality, my gender, and pretty much my entire identity. If you haven’t caught on by now, I’m also married, and this was a very recent thing that happened just this year in July. Unfortunately, things have not worked out, and since I’ve changed a lot as a person, my current living situation and relationship are on the line, and I’m having to go through the stress of figuring out divorce and an apartment in the middle of a pandemic.

This is definitely not where I saw myself in just a year. I’m actively pursuing therapy, I’ve just gotten my own car, and I’m on track to get better, but things aren’t that simple and it’s really just taking a toll on me both physically and mentally. I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving and eating in front of people this year anyways, but now I definitely can’t go since there are people in my specific department at work who have Covid. We just found out today that someone who I was in close contact with all the time has it, and so I’ve been exposed for a second time. Because of this I’m not attending my family’s dinner, so I don’t have to worry about food anymore, but I do have to worry about whether I have Covid or not.

I am under a tremendous amount of stress. I have about a month of crunch time to get a new license plate and title for my car, find an apartment that I can afford that allows pets, get a divorce, and start therapy (hopefully). My family has been unsupportive for the most part and mostly just frustrated that I don’t want to stay with my spouse. But I have to say, I think the most frustrating thing in all of this is the ED and the symptoms that come with it. I mentioned above that I feel apathetic when I don’t eat. That gets in the way of me doing other every day things like work, being active at home, writing, taking care of myself, and giving attention to others. I lose motivation at work, I can’t focus on anything (my brain often feels foggy and hazy and it’s hard to remember anything; it all blurs together for days, weeks, sometimes even months), and I just feel drained and exhausted 24/7. So I feel stressed, yes, but I also don’t care about it and I do care about it at the same time.

I have okay days, and that almost makes it worse, because on days I do eat I end up with huge mood swings right after having been apathetic, and honestly it’s like giving myself emotional whiplash. One minute I’m having intrusive thoughts about how i’m certain negative words and phrases, the next I feel nothing at all and can hardly bring myself to walk around (often it’s a feeling of “what’s the point in existing?”), and then after I eat something I feel high in a sense, or lethargically warm and upbeat at the same time. It’s exhausting, really. To feel everything awful all at once, and then go from feeling absolutely nothing at all to the most upbeat positive things ever. It’s almost like false hope, if that makes sense? When I eat something and feel better, it’s easy to tell myself that things will be okay, that the ED isn’t real anyway, that I don’t have a problem and that I can feel normal. And if there is one, I’ll be fine, I don’t need help, etc.

I’m dealing with all of that combined into one giant mess that is my life right now. That being said, this blog is my escape. I’ve met a lot of cool people here, gotten to know some really lovely friends, and I’ve written really cool things that people seem to really enjoy. I want to continue to write, but that requires focus and time, both of which my ED is actively taking from me. I’m doing my best to be here as much as I can and I will still continue to work on requests and writing, because it’s a way for me to cope and escape. But I do need to acknowledge that my life is out of control and I need to do something about it.

I’m doing my best to stabilize myself and work on things. I think a mini hiatus at some point in December will be inevitable, however, especially considering there will be a point in time where I will not have access to an internet router/the internet for my laptop to write. So I’m not sure when exactly, but it’ll probably be towards the end of December.

Anyways, this is not a post asking for pity or attention, just a post for me to process some things and give a life update. You are in no way obligated to respond to this or to comment on this unless you really feel the need to. I just wanted to be open and honest about where I was and what was going on with me. I understand if you don’t want to follow me after this or if you just want to scroll past.

Just know that I’m working on myself, I’m trying really hard, and it’s really difficult for me sometimes to get a grip on my writing and my own sense of self because of this. If anyone needs anything I’m usually always here! But again, all of this is the reason I don’t always respond to messages. It’s nothing you’ve done or said, I just literally can’t remember that I was having a conversation sometimes, or I can’t focus enough to type out a reply, or I’m sleeping through the day or just dissociating and feeling apathetic. But I love you all, and I’m thankful for your support, and I want to be better.

Much love and care,

-Sweater <3

#life update #sweater rambles #sweater rambles A LOT #tw: ed #tw: eating disorder #tw ed #tw eating disorder #eating disorder #tw covid

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fairycosmos · 5 years ago

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Hi C, I'm in a really dark place rn esp bc of quarantine, so I'm probably not gonna make it these next few months sadly, sorry to lay this on you, but I just wanted to say this before. I relate alot to you about many of the personal/emotional things you talk about in your asks and your blog brings me comfort when I decide to come on here. I'm shy so sometimes I reblog the stuff you reblog from the source haha. I hope you learn to feel truly happy and that you never get to my point. Love , V x

hey, this seriously breaks my heart to read 😞 i’m not stupid enough to believe that anything i say will be enough to absolve you of the weight you’re carrying. clearly you’re dealing with a lot of pain and mental exhaustion, maybe to an extent i cant even imagine. so i know words from a stranger aren’t any kind of solution. but i have to try any way because i care about what happens to you, and i want you to know that you’re not in this all on your own. maybe i could be a mediating presence. maybe all that matters is having some time to pause. to give yourself another perspective to consider so it’s not just your mind trying to convince you that it’s all so black and white. cause it’s not, i promise. you can be 100% certain, in this moment, that these next few months will be rough/ impossible to survive - and still make it through them anyway. a sense of impending doom is not always accurate, nor is any ‘helplessness’ you see in yourself. and when you have depression, most of the time those perceptions are wildly inaccurate. it’s coming from the same place as all of the other toxic thinking processes: the self hatred, the shame, the anxiety. it’s not a reliable or factually concrete basis to act on. look, everything i talk about in my asks, i believe whole heartedly to be true for you, too. i dont say these things lightly at all. especially when i bring up how mental illness distorts your reality and your ability to make an accurate judgement of your future, and even more so when i talk about all the different types of treatment that are out there and that really do work given the time and effort. even if they’re not immediately available to you right now, just simply surviving through each day will eventually get you to a point where you can begin confronting your issues and growing beyond them. just as people do with physical ailments, the same is possible for mental ones. you can cry, you can want to give up, you can be numb and hurt and not know what to do next. as long as you make it to the next moment. if you need a little help to be able to do that, then that’s fine. most people do. there are many hotlines still open, online communities offering support, mental health professionals working from home that you can contact. even if you have to force yourself to. if you’re already seeing someone, you can call them any time and let them know you’re struggling. then maybe you can set up a plan together, to enable you to manage the heavy thoughts/emotions when they flare up instead of being overwhelmed by them. if not, you could call a friend or loved one if that’s an option just so you have someone to vent to. i’m sure they’d rather you do that than hurt yourself. a lot of ppl are feeling the strain of this isolation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stay connected in other ways. it doesn’t mean we’re beyond help. it’s okay, whatever you need, it’s okay. i know it seems like bull shit, and i know it doesn’t feel worth it right now. i completely understand, i’ve absolutely been there too. but i would hate to see you permanently harm yourself, or worse, over an episode (that has been significantly worsened by quarantine) that can be worked through. you cant trust your mind right now, or the urges you’re having. i dont want to give you all the cliches about how there’s so much waiting for you, about how suicide is an extreme solution to a temporary problem. i get that they’re annoying. but part of me does believe all of those old sayings, at least a little bit. you can recognize that you’re in a dark place right now, and that it’s being exacerbated by current circumstances, and thats a really good sign. it means some part of you know there’s more beyond that, that improvement is both possible and in some ways, inevitable. whatever ‘point’ you think you’re at, you’re not. you’re not a lost cause. you didn’t survive everything so far, for nothing. so please, please don’t get lost in the notion that killing yourself is a guaranteed act, because it’s not. it’s easy to believe that when you’re spiraling, but spirals always come to an end, through self awareness or natural progression or medical attention. listen, you’re here and you’re trying and that is quite literally the entire point. you’re worth so much, and so is your life. i couldn’t be more proud of you, and i want you to stick around so that someday you’ll see it for yourself. i’m really glad i was able to bring you some comfort. it makes me want to cry that you sent this and that you’re thinking of me. so know i’m thinking of you too. that so many people care for your presence even if you dont know it. please reconsider, please try to regroup and look at your options. if you want to talk, dont hesitate at all to message me. i know you said you’re shy, but so am i! and i can relate a lot to what you’re saying. i’ll be here. take it one day at a time love, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even a minute at a time. the rest doesn’t exist yet. im sending you so much love, and my dms are always open. get some sleep, eat well, find something you enjoy that allows you to breathe, - a view from a window, a tv show, a memory, laying in bed. not a cure, i know, just a small reason. and then for now, keep going. whatever that looks like for you. i believe in you so much x

#im not a professional or even a figure in your life so ik these words r limited but i wanted you to read them anyway #tw suicide #tw self harm #anon

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slashersinmyprofile · 5 years ago

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Slashers with S/O having a Panic Attack (HC)

Yo, don’t know if what I write may be a trigger some people, but be warned cause I do go in depth with on some of these 💖💖

(also I am basing this on the things I’ve experienced, so they may be radically different from your experiences)

Freddy

- Fred isn’t the most soft or understanding of the slashers, so honest to goodness he may not even KNOW. Hell he might egg it on a bit before realizing your intensely uncomfortable.

- Hes in your brain, hon, so naturally he hears some/most/all of your thoughts.

- He’s usually entertained by how utterly scared you are of other people (less room for jealousy), but he notices it’s a bit...too much for you one day.

- Youre out at a small gathering, loud music is playing, people are eating and talking and you’re shaking quietly in the corner. The music got to be a little too much, and you finally make your way into the hosts bathroom. You’re shaking, sweating, and on the verge of both crying and vomiting at once.

- You end up doing both and then unsteadily making your way home, telling the host goodbye on your way out. When you get home you pass out on your bed, right into the Dreamworld.

- “The Hell was that, doll face? Too many drinks?” He tries to joke, but you’re exhausted, sitting down on whatever surface available. You tell him it was nothing, “don’t worry about it”.

- He worries about it.

- He decides that leaving you to sleep peacefully is the best option as of now, cracking out a falsely aggravated goodbye. His powers are put to great use while you are asleep however, without pulling you into his realm with him, giving you calming and pleasant dreams of your favorite things.

- The next time he sees the signs of a panic attack, he’ll swiftly urge you to go home and rest, or to just get out of the room for a bit. (How does he speak to you while you’re awake? Hush, he just can 💖)

Bubba Sawyer (Leatherface)

- Poor man probably doesn’t even know why you’re so upset. Isn’t it always this loud at home always? Why’re you so upset now then?

- He doesn’t care what set you off though, all he cares about right now is calming you down and making sure you’re ok. He babbles at you in worried, low tones while you release your emotions.

- If you’re aggressive he’ll try to stay a bit distanced from you, since he knew from his brothers that no matter how small someone can be, they can still hurt you. (Not that he’d think you’d hurt him, of course.)

- If you’re more emotionally distressed, he’d honestly just pick you up (if you let him), put you in a quieter, more peaceful room and cry a little with you while trying to calm you.

- He can’t catch the signs all the time, but when he does he either pulls you somewhere nicer or tries to make you happier right there with some cute distractions.

Jason Voorhees

- Jason’s not too in tune with others emotions, but he’d be like a hawk when it comes to your health. Especially mental health.

- He probably won’t understand why you’re upset, or why you won’t respond to him, but Pamela would be quick to cover the bases for him.

- He’ll try his damndest to make you happy, but he’ll be the quickest to resort to hugs and cuddling. If you won’t let him, well, he’ll just coo from afar some soothing half words and sounds until you calm down.

- He’ll see the signs immediately after that encounter, mother or not helping him. He’ll try to get you out into the fresh air, take your mind off it by teaching you things about survival, or take you out to go swimming. (With supervision, of course)

Michael Myers

- He’s not going to know. Literally at all. However once you’re showing obvious signs he’ll be extremely worried. (Even If he doesn’t show it.)

- You’re going to be sat down with any number of comfort items with your say or not. Blankets are piled, pillows are puffed, stuffed animals (He has them, fight me) are given to hug.

- He May pat your head or stroke your hair if it’s particularly bad, as he knows that you may prefer physical comfort.

- He might be a little bit more vigilant next time, but he’ll throw you into a comfort hole no matter what. Even if he’s wrong about the situation.

✨ Don’t know if this is good or not, but it’s here! Feel free to give me criticism and feedback, I’m still a big noob! ✨

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dearholly · 4 years ago

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Dear Me,

I know why you’re here and I’m not mad. I’m not disappointed. Read this and then go rest. And please be gentle on yourself.

We met at Macy's and immediately hit it off. I think it was a dark sense of humor and a fluency in sarcasm that first bonded us. She was amused and seemingly rapt by everything I had to say. When I eventually left Macy's for a work-at-home job listening to sales calls, I brought her with me. And because he was unemployed, her ex-boyfriend/roommate came with us as well.

They had dated in high school but had long since broken up although hey were still living together in her parent's house after his parents moved to Hawaii without him. I got to know him more when we started at our new positions. As a telecommuting job, here were a lot of opportunities for us to bond over instant messenger. He had a raw, vulnerable quality that drew me to him and I enjoyed how open and free I could be with him. He didn't seem to mind the darker parts of my humor and we bonded over a love of cars and photography.

The first tear in the fabric of everything is, I think, when I admitted to to my husband that I thought I had feelings for Her. He sexualized this confession and internalized it as permission for himself to be attracted to her, which in short turn he started to act on. In some ways, I knew that would happen but but I was terrified of my feelings. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, just that I wanted something else. Something more than what I had. On some level, I believe that I wanted her. But I let my fear and submissiveness get the better of me and chose to put my needs aside for what my husband wanted, which at the time seemed more manageable for me than having to deal with my own inner turmoil.

Throughout their entire flirtation in the beginning, she never came to me to tell me what was going on, or to question it. To this day, I don't even know if she asked my husband whether or not I knew. It might be the years that have since passed shading my opinions in this matter, but I don't believe she ever did ask him. I eventually did come to her to tell her what was going on, but I don't believe that I ever really trusted her again after that, despite our friendship continuing for another five years.

Years later, when I would say all of this out loud to a therapist, I would realize what a hard time I have accepting and advocating for my own feelings. Looking back now, I can tell you I was deeply hurt and extremely angry.

Which is probably what lead me to sleep with Him, her ex-boyfriend slash roommate, on the same night she first slept with my husband. And I did not afford her the same foreknowledge that I had.

But it wasn't all vindication. He and I had been getting very close. We worked together on a wedding I shot in Malibu. I'll never forget when we had some free time in between getting shots and we drove down to the beachier part of the beach to look for some locations to shoot the couple later. It was raining and the beach was empty, so he told me to take the car onto the sand, assuring me that it'd be fine. He was something of an expert on cars, after all. The front tires almost immediately sunk into the sand and we got stuck. As panic mounted in both of us, a friendly gentleman in a Nissan Xterra came by and offered assistance. With some pushing and revving, the car was unstuck. After our Samaritan drove off, He turned to me to apologize and wrapped his arms around me. There's something about being hugged by a person who is much taller than you. In that moment, I fell in love with him. His easy free affection was all it took.

And she had no clue about any of it because I did not do the courtesy of cluing her in. This is what is so dangerous about people who are not even aware of the emotions they're having.

Also, I knew that she would cock block. So the night that she came to my house to fuck my husband, I set up a little date with her ex boyfriend. I took him to a local bar, and explained what was happening with Her and my husband. And then I told him, "But I am here with you." Couldn't keep our hands off each other after that.

I didn't tell her until after the fact and I am positive that there was never a moment after that that she fully trusted me either. We cursed ourselves from the very beginning. And then made things truly awkward by attempting to have a four-way.

They say ignorance is bliss, but denial is true euphoria. And that is where we lived for the next 6 years. We changed our state abbreviation from CA to WA, but we lived in the same place, ignoring red flag after red flag. The chemistry was just bad. But we plundered ahead, all four of us. And when three of us lost our telecommuting jobs, it was Him that found us work again.

I hated the idea from the very beginning (red flag) but said nothing. I resented that he got her a job at the same place he'd gotten me a job and that she'd be starting the day after me, leaving me no time at all to have this one thing for myself. I knew even then that working and living with her would turn out to be a problem. And it did; when something bad happened at work, there was no escape from it at home. When something bad happened at home, there was no escape from it at work. Even though we were on opposite ends of the house, there was just no escaping it. When she was upset, there was a toxic cloud that hung over the whole house. It seeped into everything and was unescapable. It left no room for anyone else to take up any emotional space.

After a while, I stopped getting a period. But because I was living on Denial St, I ignored it for over a year. My doctors wholly admitted that they have no idea how this could have happened at such an early point in my life, but all of them speculated stress, both physical and mental. Prior to losing my period, I had lost a great deal of weight in a small time by over-exercising and under-eating. I was starving myself and then working myself to the point of exhaustion, and if this were the cause of my early menopause, I would not be surprised to find that out.

However, there was no space in my home to have any feelings about this. Because I was of a mind to never have children anyway, it was easy for most people to minimize how deeply it was affecting me, and ignore the active signs that it was doing so. And I never talked about. The feelings were too confusing, too mixed up, to talk about. I didn't understand them myself and there was no room to figure them out there.

A couple months after I got my menopause diagnosis, I started having regular panic attacks. She is the one who suggested I speak to a therapist. She's the one who recommended my first one, actually. And I am still glad that she did. My life really started to turn around at that point. I started in May of that year and by the end of the summer, I had finalized my divorce and moved into my own apartment. And later that year, I started anti depressants.

It is my belief that all of the improvements and growth in my life are what lead she and I to have our initial falling out that next Spring. Through therapy, and medication, and meditation, and all the other ways in which I was working on improving myself, I did eventually grow strong. And so did my boundaries. I started saying "No." more and "Sorry" less. And I stopped accepting unnecessary bullshit that was launched in my direction.

Especially when it is in a shared space in which professionalism is mandatory. After a five month hiatus from the office in which she recovered from an exploding kidney, I invited her to help me train a batch of new hires. During which, at some point, I explained something to one of them which was news to her. She started raising her voice in frustration, demanding to know why she was never told anything, and in general being extremely negative. To be clear, this type of behavior was just something she did. And it always bothered me - something that should be of little to no consequence to her personally, blown up in decibels and f-bombs. Like her brother dating someone she didn't approve of. Or her roommate's cousin marrying someone she didn't approve of. Or her cousin dating someone she didn't approve of. Or her aunts doing or saying something she didn't approve of. I often thought about buying her a robe and gavel for how judgmental and salty she could be to the people she supposedly loved. But I digress....

I am a deeply private person. So in that moment in our office, I was completely mortified. Here are these strangers I am trying to set a good example for, and here she comes with her Debbie Downer bullshit. I shut the conversation down as fast as I could by leaving it immediately. But later I sent a text explaining why that was over the line and why I was upset. A day later, I received some half assed apology about how she felt she was being left behind at work, and that somehow justified the disrespect. Like it was acceptable behavior because she was in pain.

I didn't respond. For one, because I was knee deep (literally) in dog fur, trying to shave my Maltese mutt. And for another, I thought that what needed to be said had been said. Her response didn't change mine. And so the next day, I went to her apartment as I did every Monday to do my laundry. As I was putting the laundry into the washing machine, I heard her bedroom door open. Before I could even look up from my dirty jeans and towels, I hear "Oh... Hi." and I turn just in time to see a flash of red hair whipping behind a slamming door.

At that point, I start to have a panic attack, assuming the slammed door was for me and my face. But I breathe through it and decide its best left aone. She's still upset and I don't have the bandwidth to find out why. I'm done volunteering for whatever that is. At work, I try to be cordial. With Him, I try to maintain boundaries and I tell him nothing that happens between she and I.

A few days go by. One night, I go pick him up and we have dinner at a diner down the street from his place. He's visibly upset, and he's using that soft whispery tone that usually precedes a fucking nightmare. Over my country fried chicken, I ask him what's wrong. He asks why I am ignoring her. I tell him I am not. And that after having a door slammed at me, I'm giving whatever she is dealing with a wide berth. He convinces me to reach out to her to try and resolve the issue.

So I try to do that. But I'm annoyed and I say entirely the wrong thing, from the very start. I tell her "Stop telling people I'm ignoring you." Rather than "I am not ignoring you, Friend. Rather trying to give you space to deal with whatever it is you're dealing with because I don't understand it"... which eventually I do say, but it's too late. My tone is too incendiary. I'm too angry now. And I no longer feel as if this is anything worth saving anymore. She feels the same way. So she tells me we can no longer be friends. I'm hurt that she said that, but more disappointed that she said it first, and I accept that this is the way things will be. I block her on every social media platform we have in common.

Things are instantly strained between He and I. I ask him repeatedly not to get involved because I will be the one accused of it. But he can't help himself from being upset because she's upset. They have no boundaries at all between them. I tell him I need a break from him. He accuses me of "dropping him" the same way I "dropped Her" And so we break up.

For about 2 months. And then one night, I happen to get a late bus out of Seattle and sit across from him. He was coming from work. And I was coming from a bar. Were it not for the tequila, I probably would never have moved next to him. We made very little conversation all the way to our bus stop. I don't remember what I said. Probably just that I missed him and that I wish things had been different. We started talking again after that. And things were better, for a time. Between he and I, anyways.

What happened then between she and I is what sealed our friendship to the annals of history forever...

One night, while late in bed, I get an email notification from tumblr telling me I had a new follower. And its Her. Through several name/address changes, on the one platform I did not think to block her from, there she was following me. Looking down on that message as it glowed up at me from under the covers, witnessing the little smirk in her user avatar, I started to shake. The blog I thought I had made for myself, similar to this one, where I had the space to ruminate and collect thoughts, had been violated and invaded. Like every other aspect of my life, by her.

I did not react well to this discovery. At first, I made several passive aggressive posts directed at her and then deleted each one. And then I went directly to her, asking her to stop as I didn't think it was appropriate for her to be following me. Her response was to laugh at me, and mock something I had said in one of the passive aggressive and deleted posts I made. I'm not ashamed to admit that my reaction was explosive. I hurled every shitty thing I could think of to say inside one sentence and then deleted the entire messaging system we were using to communicate (which at the time was Slack). Later, when I apologized for my terrible reaction, she doubled down on the insults and called me a hypocrite for expecting that there be boundaries between myself and the person who said they never wanted to speak to me again. And so a final decision was made that this was not worth saving. So I blew it up over two lengthy emails.

I don't even remember what I said. And I don't want to. I suspect my brain is protecting me like a heat shield protects a satellite that is being hurled back to earth. I do remember what she said, which is that I proved her therapists right and that I had always been a bad person. I remember this because my therapist had lead me to the same conclusion about herself. Funny how even in our friendship death, we still have things in common.

A day or two after she followed me on tumblr, I updated the configuration of my blog that said no one could access via the app that wasn’t one of my followers, essentially ensuring that whoever was going to visit my site was going to do so in broad daylight. And then I installed a counter that tracked IP addresses of visitors who came to my blog. For months, she continued to check on it. It was like she couldn’t help it. She was clearly sick. So to test the lengths to which she would go to find it, I changed the name once again and sent Him a link to a post. Lo and behold one week later, there is the entry from his phone visiting. And then a few days later another, closely followed by Her IP again. Tumblr would be the first of many spaces that she colonized and evicted me from. It's not a coincidence that I struggled to find a voice after that or that I have not been able to write with anything approaching ease in the last few years.

I didn't see her or talk to her for months. She had stopped coming into the office. I stopped hearing sirens in my head when I saw her name, so I unblocked her on social media. After all, we still share friends and having gotten what I wanted all along (space), my anger had evaporated.

But according to my boss, she still used the fact that we no longer got along as an excuse to work from home. As if I had been the one shouting at her in the office, as if I had caused a hostile work place. It's no small coincidence, in my mind, that I was let go by our boss very shortly after she returned to the office regularly. I can't prove it, but I believe she contributed to it. And unfortunately, it wouldn't be the last time she actively set out to hurt me.

When I lost my job, I lost my insurance and therefore, access to my therapist. And I had to start rationing my anti-depressants. I fell into the deepest darkest depression of my life. And it did not help that this was all in the dead of winter, when the sun barely came out long enough for me to see it and run outside. Through the rest of December and January, I submitted dozens of applications and copies of my resume. Finally, at the end of January when I had had to start cutting each of my Lexapro's in half to get by, I got a call for an interview for a company in New York. They hired me almost immediately, and before I knew it I was being sent to New York to be trained. It was right around the same time that I found out the remaining members of the team I had hired at my previous job, Her and several others had been let go unexpectedly. I'd love to say that there was no part of me that received any amount of pleasure upon hearing that, but I'd be lying. I definitely gloated. It felt good to know that things were going wrong for them, for her, when things had just started to go right for me after they messed them up so poorly. In all of my self righteousness I opined to a mutual friend about how bleak Her household must be because I believed it probably was. It sucks to lose one's job and I would know all about that. That mutual friend, knowing that I had a relationship with Him at this time, mistook my opinion as though I had heard it was bleak in the household directly from Him. So the next time our mutual friend spoke with Her, our mutual friend voiced some concerns about the state of how things were going for the two of them. Her spoke to Him later, demanding to know why He is telling me in particular that things in their house are not fine. Which leads him to send a group chat message...

It's 7AM EST early February and I'm in the Best Western of Troy, New York reading my text messages. He has sent one to our entire friend group, demanding that if any of us are speaking about him to stop it immediately; leave him out of all conversation - She is upset that there has been any talk at all. I tell him that request is impossible as we're all friends who care about each other and I refuse to be isolated in any way from any of them. Meanwhile, sirens are going off in my head. I hear my mother's voice, warning me about domestic abusers who isolate their victims from their friends to perpetuate their abuse. I silence it. After all, I still live on the corner of Denial St and The-Dick- Is-Big Ave.

Eventually, a one-on-one conversation is started between He and I. He insinuates that it is the group chat itself that is the issue, because she is not allowed to be in it. I tell him I think it's valid that she is not in it as I am, and I want her to remain firmly out of my space. Which is a mutual feeling between the two of us, or so I thought. And anyway, I tell him, it's her that has me blocked on every social media platform we had in common.

It's at this point he calls me a liar. And it's at this point the story should have ended but I still have a severe lack of love for myself, no therapeutic support, am low on my anti depressants, and completely isolated in New York for the next two weeks.

He tells me he has her search for me on Facebook and Instagram and she finds nothing, which proves that it is I that have her blocked therefore I it is me doing the lying. Which, anyone who knows anything about social media will tell you, this is expected behavior if you have someone blocked. But he hardly ever engages with social media, let alone take the time to understand it, so this is lost on him.

I'm immediately triggered. I have to leave the office where I'm being trained for my new job and walk back to my hotel to catch my breath before I vomit up the coffee and cake that our sales manager brought as a welcome gift. The words "At this point, yeah I do think you're lying." keep swimming back up to me from a little grey bubble. I call him and scream into his voicemail. "...I do think you're lying to me," ... My hands practically vibrating, I take a screen recording of all of my blocked lists and send it to him. "...you're lying to me..." I black out for a moment, thoughts of my mothers fists raining down on me as I'm being called a liar in the backseat of her car. I sob into my hotel pillow. I feel broken.

But it’s the middle of the day, I’ve had this job for all of two days and I cannot be having a massive freak out this early on. I take one of my precious remaining Ativan and try to breathe. Eventually, I calm myself. In a sick twist, I end up apologizing to him for screaming and overreacting. I open myself up further and explain to him why being called a liar is a trigger for me. This was a pattern with us; The only way he ever had compassion for me when we argued (and sometimes when we weren't) was when I spelled out exactly what I was going through. I thought if I was honest about my feelings with him, he would treat me with more dignity. But as a matter of fact, it turned out when I was crying on his shoulder, he felt as if I was manipulating him. He told me that once when I called him, sad because someone I had a crush on had started dating someone else. I was never sure what I was supposedly manipulating him to do. Spend time with me? Show concern for me? But despite that, I take a huge risk, expose my jugular to him again and beg for him to understand where I am coming from.

He apologizes. He comes over and we have a quiet talk. For a very short time, things go back to whatever normal is to us. We're communicating a little more and I think we're being more honest. But things aren't the same. We're still very vulnerable. I never knew if he sensed that or not. I'd like to believe that if he did, his behavior would have been different. But his behavior remained rough, and careless.

A little over a month after I returned from New York, he had invited me to his house while she was away. The entire experience was unnerving. For one, the apartment felt cold and dark. It was not very inviting. For another, He was relegated to sleeping on a roll up mat on the floor while She had a bed and a closing door with a closet and a window. This really bothered me. I thought there would be more of a separation, or a at least a clear division of space. A boundary. I look desperately for boundaries, but there were none. Her makeup vanity was directly behind his work desk and above the space he used to sleep in. And there was no trace of me there at all. But of course there wouldn't be. She wouldn't allow it. And he never cared enough about me to change that in any sense. So I started to really see for the first time that our relationship was just sex for him. I couldn't see clearly that we even had a friendship anymore and this really bothered me.

I wanted to talk to him about it, and I asked him if we could. I'm not even sure what I wanted to say, but I just needed reassurance that he was still friends with me. That he still liked me. That he was, even though he was far away, still somewhat in my corner. I was feeling anxious, I was low on my medicine, with no therapist, working 12 hour days and still broke from being unemployed for months. I just wanted to talk and have him reassure me that at the very least, he was there for me and would be there for me. He agreed to that and we scheduled a time to talk, because at that point he was extremely busy with work and trying to balance everything, as was I. The afternoon we had worked out to talk comes and goes, and I don't hear from him. I message him and I express annoyance because we had plans, but he tells me that he had an outing with Her, and it went long. And then he expresses annoyance at me for being annoyed at him. He goes on the defensive. I completely unravel over a string of messages, which of course are poorly timed and one right after the other, which I know he hates. He engages his favorite tactic which is to leave the conversation entirely, tell me he's not speaking to me for a while, and then come back at his whim. He does this over a few days. He responds to each of my texts individually, escalating in each response until he's screaming at me in all caps and has worked himself back into the rage which makes him walk away.

I'm at the point where I'm looking at this pile of garbage relationship which has twice in the past two months shoved me into two of the worst, most ill-timed panic attacks I've ever had - and finally I hear my therapist's voice ring back to me as clear as a bell: He will never leave her, and he will never choose you. Everything that my denial had been holding at bay like a sweet little naïve raincloud crashed down all at once around me with the force of a tornado. It was the way there was never any compassion or kindness shown to me at the worst time of my life. It was the way he called me a liar and a manipulator when I was trying to include him in my deepest most personal feelings and experiences. It was the way he never noticed that I was blowing up my life with alcohol or that I was deeply depressed. It was the way he lied over and over again, telling me that he cared about me and then turning around to demonstrate why that wasn't actually true. It was the way I had to bend over backwards to accommodate his feelings, while there was never any room for mine.

And so, as anticlimactically as it began, our relationship finally ended. I don't even remember what the final blow was, or what I said in response. No doubt something shaky and angry and ugly. But I have never regretted it. For as ugly as I know it probably was, I do not regret it. My life, my health both mental and physical, has improved exponentially since that day in late April.

But if there is a hopeful epilogue to the story, it would pick up six months later when I had settled into my new place in the city, to be closer to work. I started to feel those pangs again. Those little flighty feathery feelings that can be so strong they echo across decades with such intensity that you can almost physically feel their presence inside your skin where they hibernate. It was the same feeling that made me sit down next to him on the bus all that time ago. I missed him. In spite of everything that happened, everything I learned, and went through, I did. But it wasn't until I started to feel as though I missed Her too that I knew I had to get back into therapy. A queer friend of mine who had been struggling through their own relationship issues, suggested a co-op place in Seattle they'd been using which was geared specifically to women and those who identify as such. Signing up with them was probably the best decision I'd end up making in my 30's. The therapist I was paired with was understanding, validating, and I never sensed once that she was bored with anything I had to say. She equipped me with the best tools to deal with my feelings, she taught that it's okay to love and protect myself through setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. And the best part about her is that she herself maintained extremely healthy boundaries. I never knew more about her than I needed to know. Yet I felt like I connected with her on a very deep level. And through talking to her, working with her, I was able to fully understand and appreciate what I had just been through, and how to exercise compassion for myself when I would find myself in situations where I would start reliving all of that trauma. Because of her, I found myself again. Or maybe I found myself for the first time. She helped me understand the feelings I'd been having for years but hadn't had the space or emotional support to explore. She helped me put a name to a feeling I’d had since childhood but never knew there was a word for. Not long after I started working with her, I came out as non-binary. Through our work, I found a deep well of love for myself that allows me to firmly (but with patience and love) define and protect my boundaries, and still have enough energy left over show interest, compassion and love for others in their journeys. And I stopped trying to avoid feeling like shit through drinking. Literally, everything became better a result of my therapist's influence on me.

But try as I might, there are some days in the year where my mind wanders back to the grey north where I tried to make a home. When I can almost hear the drizzle of rain in Occidental Park as I cried my eyes out there over something He said. In my mind's eye, I turn away, but the neighborhood is haunted with these types of traumas for me. Nowhere is safe, my mind panics, and I get turned around in the horrid memories; screaming at each other on 1st Avenue outside E Smith, sobbing so hard on 2nd that a stranger asked me if I was okay, countless arguments in the park that followed us to the bus stop and back to our home. Eventually, my mind grows desperate for answers, and it carries me back in time... all the way back to 2010 at Macy's when it began, and the loop starts again.

Which brings me to today. I've lost count of how many times we've been down this road. But I know grief is hard. And so is recovery. One of the ways in which I see to my recovery now is to write more. I don't usually publish what I write because it's just for me and I still have a lot of residual anxiety about posting anything personal online. Another reason is that my writing is so fluid that publishing it seems too final. Like... what if I change my mind about that way I've structured a sentence? What if I think of a better way to phrase that feeling? What if I change my mind entirely about the thing that I've written about? ...Why use a period if I could use a comma?

But I'm publishing this note anyway. For you, future Holly. Because you need this to be over. And because whenever we get into this rut, the only thing we seem to be able to do to stop ourselves from missing them and reminiscing about the good times is to walk ourselves through the trauma that they ended up causing. Which is effective in getting the sad feelings to stop, but you know is burning you alive on the inside. And so I'm writing this note to tell you (future me) that we don't have to do that anymore. You can set these thoughts and feelings down in language and writing, and be done. You can publish them, and move on. You can walk away. Put a period on the end of the sentence and close the book.

But if you ever feel as though you need to mutilate yourself mentally by trying to list it all out again, so that you can poke it and dissect it and review it in triplicate... I will be here. Waiting to remind you that nothing you have ever done disqualifies you from being afforded compassion and kindness. Waiting to remind you that you deserve better friends, better love, than those that would afford you only scraps. Waiting to remind you that your anger is valid, along with your hurt and your sadness. And also waiting to remind you that this is temporary. These feelings are temporary. Give yourself the space today to feel what you are feeling. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be angry. And tomorrow when you wake up, let it all go.

I love you. -H

#note to self #aubviously #muad-dweeb #fear is the mind killer #holly hearts

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lewdladylily · 5 years ago

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Have you disobeyed her on purpose before? What do you think the punishment would be?

I have not straight up broken rules on purpose before, but I did once act excessively bratty just to see how she reacted. This was about a year ago I believe.

The thing is she knows I'm not a brat submissive. If that was an important part of the submissive experience for me then our dynamic would take that into account and that sort of behavior would be tolerated from me, with appropriate punishments and such as part of the whole experience. However, I am not a brat, and she knows it. The best way to describe my submissive style is somewhere between a slave and a pet. What I really crave out of submission is control and affection in equal parts. I need my dominant to keep me on a very short leash backed up by harsh punishments to keep me controlled and, essentially, broken - not just physically but mentally as well. If I am not at least a little frightened by what she might do to me then she isn’t being harsh enough. The flip side of that is that she is extremely caring and affectionate towards me. These two things combined make me feel like a slave that is treated like a favored pet, which is blissful for me.

Incidentally, even thinking about what she might do to me if I decided to just break my rules and orgasm because I wanted to makes me quite nervous. I’ve been trained very well to be obedient to her. This is what I mean by being mentally controlled. Equal parts fear of punishment and desire to please keeping me in line.

Anyway, back to the main point. For whatever reason that day I was feeling rebellious and was acting quite bratty. I believe she took that as a sign that she had not been harsh enough with me - I had not yet been broken of the silly urge to be rebellious occasionally.

I can’t remember exactly what my punishment was, I’d have to go back to my journal to find out but digging through a few hundred pages of bdsm journal to find one specific entry can be difficult. But I do remember most of it because it is a pretty standard punishment for me, but much more severe than normal.

So first of all I was stripped naked, had a large metal plug in my ass, blindfolded, had earplugs in, gagged (ring gag), my arms were locked behind my back, I was made to kneel on rice on a hard floor, and my nipple clamps were put on and connected to the wall. I believe the time was more than 25 minutes.

So what all this actually means. This is a combination endurance and harsh pain punishment. It is meant not only to be extremely painful but to be physically grueling and exhausting as well. Kneeling on rice hurts like hell, and the more you move the more it hurts. You can normally reduce the pain by carefully moving from a position where you are kneeling up to kneeling down, going back and forth to give different muscles a break and reduce the amount that the rice digs into parts of your knees. The cost is that shifting positions like this is extremely painful until you get used to the new position.

The nipple clamps connected to the wall make this all much more difficult. I specifically use clover clamps, which are designed to bite down harder when you pull on them. The height at which they are anchored means that I have very little wiggle room before the clamps are pulled on, which is extremely painful because they both bite harder and pull painfully on my nipples. Because of this I am not able to go all the way down, and the only rest I can get is to allow my clamps to pull hard on my nipples while I allow myself to move down a little. It is extremely painful, and something I avoid if at all possible.

This means I have to keep myself up on my knees. This puts all my body weight down on one point of my knees, making the rice kneeling even more painful than usual. If I move at all either the rice under my knees will hurt much worse or the clamps will pull my nipples painfully and bite harder into them as well. So I have to hold as perfectly still as I can. Also, I am not allowed to lean forward and rest against the wall or I will be punished more.

The human body is not built to hold still, especially not in stressful and taxing positions. It isn’t long before I start feeling the strain in the muscles holding me in position and I feel an urge to shift my position in order to relieve some of that strain. Which of course means I have to weigh the benefit of relieving the strain a little against the extra pain it will cause me to move.

The plug in my ass makes all of this stuff much more difficult. I can’t orgasm from just a plug in my ass of course, but I do get some amount of pleasure from clenching around it. The thing is I tend to be extremely squirmy when I get anal stimulation and it makes my legs feel weak. I have to fight against both of these things, making the endurance part of the punishment much more difficult.

My arms being locked behind my back is more than just rendering me helpless, though that is the primary purpose. This way I can’t use my arms to support me in any way and the unnatural position of my arms will make them ache over time. I generally end up having to move them around within their limited range of movement between two different positions, one of which is more straining and make them ache more, while the second requires me to hold them up and is more physically exhausting. The ache in my arms can be almost as distressing as the nipple clamps and the rice.

The ring gag makes it so I end up drooling all over myself shortly after the punishment starts. It is primarily about adding humiliation to the punishment, but if it is in for long my jaw will start to ache too. I find this particular type of humiliation particularly degrading and therefore arousing, which in turn makes it harder to hold still, etc. The ring gag also keeps my mouth open, making it much harder to keep my moans of pain and exhaustion quiet.

The blindfold and ear plug are all about sensory deprivation. With all this pain and exhaustion I quickly lose track of any sense of time, so I have no idea how much longer my punishment will last. It also makes it so I have nothing to occupy my mind except the pain I am suffering. It tends to drive me into something of a trance after 15 minutes or so where everything is just pain and exhaustion and desperately wanting to be a good girl.

We often also record my moans of pain and such for my owner to enjoy listening to later (and for me... I have masturbated to my own desperate moans of pain more than once. I actually put a couple of these up for people to listen to a while back.)

Overall this is an excruciating punishment. A normal punishment session would be around 15 minutes for this style of punishment and every additional minute makes it much harder. I have only ever managed to go past 30 minutes once, so 25 minutes was an extremely harsh punishment. By the end I was half tranced, covered head to toe in sweat and drool, and my legs and arms were trembling hard from the effort of holding still. It got to the point where I would pull on my clamps deliberately just to help ground myself and push through the exhaustion as best I could.

The final part of the punishment is having my clamps removed. After having my nipples punished so harshly and for so long removing the clamps is blindingly painful if they are just removed quickly. If you take your time the pain is very gradual and quite manageable, but just releasing them instantly is so painful it makes me scream.

After I was finally let out she asked me if I had learned my lesson and threatened to put me back in position for more if I had not. I was literally crying I was so scared of going back and I begged her not to, swearing I had learned my lesson and I would be a good girl. TBH it was incredibly hot, but god it is frightening just thinking about it. My brain is almost in panic mode thinking ‘please no, I’ll be good’ as an automatic reaction.

I think that was the first time she had driven me to tears. Fuck that is so hot, being driven to tears like that has been one of my fantasies since I was a teenager so it was amazing finally getting to experience it. After having gone through punishments on this level several times now she can actually push my mind around so effectively that she once drove me to tears without even having to punish me, fear and verbal abuse alone was enough to bring it out. Which is so god damn sexy for me, you have no idea. We can’t push me that hard regularly and I need a lot of recovery, and my owner is very kind and gentle and affectionate during after care for as long as I need it until I feel good again. I cannot stress how important after care is after a session like this.

So that is the punishment she gave me for being excessively bratty and a little rebellious. I frightens me to try to imagine what she might do to me if I was so rebellious that I actually had an orgasm without permission on purpose.

#IRL play

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gundamthey17 · 6 years ago

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How to write a fear of heights

by an actual scared of heights person!

Okay, here’s the deal. I’m sick of seeing fear of heights portrayed completely inaccurately in movies, books, basically everything ever. So hopefully this little guide will be helpful to anyone looking to write a character with this phobia.

What it isn’t: It isn’t vertigo. Vertigo is a feeling of dizziness or loss of balance, which can be a symptom of acrophobia (more on that below), but it isn’t the same as acrophobia itself. I’m assuming this confusion comes from the Hitchcock movie, where the main character suffers vertigo as a result of his acrophobia.

It isn’t aerophobia, which is the technical name for fear or flying/being in planes (lookin’ at you, Minyard). A person can have both, but they don’t have to. In my case, I’m perfectly fine with flying. Why? No clue. Phobias are by definition irrational, they don’t have to make sense. More on that later.

It isn’t rational. The relative amount of security often has little effect on how scared a person is. (Obviously if it’s up high and unsafe, it’s going to be scarier.) Wall climbing/ropes courses, ziplines, roller coasters, all these things are more or less just as scary to me as being in a really tall building, the nosebleed section of a stadium, or balcony seats in a theatre. It doesn’t matter that I’m fully safe in a harness, or behind a railing, or in a building. And reminding me how safe I am isn’t going to help, it’s just going to annoy me.

What it is: Acrophobia is, quite simply, the extreme and/or irrational fear of heights. People experience this in a range of intensity. For some, it’s only an issue on the top floor of a skyscraper. For others, even standing on a chair is terrifying. Relative height does matter, but only to an extent. The eighth floor is scarier than the second (the second is still scary), but at some point it all becomes the same terrifying sensation. It’s like I hit full on panic, and there’s nowhere left for me to escalate. If the 15th floor makes me feel like I’m gonna die, the 30th floor literally can’t be any worse. Additionally, the perception of how high I am matters. If I’m in a skyscraper, but I’m in a room with no windows, I’m probably fine. If I’m in an open-layout building looking over the second floor railing, I’m pretty freaked. That said, your body can to some extent, sense how high you are, so it isn’t always possible to trick yourself into not being scared.

Symptoms: A person can experience a variety of physical and mental symptoms when they are put in a situation that triggers their acrophobia. Not everyone experiences all these symptoms, and they don’t necessarily experience them all at once.

Vertigo – a feeling of loss of balance

Lightheadedness/dizziness – different from vertigo, this is the feeling that you are about to pass out

Shortness of breath

Hyperventilation

Shaking/trembling

Crying

Panic attack – kind of a combination of all of these symptoms; the person will likely be hard to console, having a hard time breathing, lightheaded (as a result of feeling like they can’t breathe), shaking, etc.

Behaviors: How a person with acrophobia may react to being up high.

Get low – We often experience the urge to lower our center of gravity, and may crouch or sit on the ground to feel better

Hold onto something – An inner wall or railing is best, something solid that is away from edges or windows. Holding onto a person works, but isn’t ideal, because the person can move. A railing/wall/window that is on the outside might work, but conflicts with the next point…

Avoid the edge/windows/etc – See the above note on the perception of height. The further back you are, the more secure you can make yourself feel. (For example, I once stayed on the 20-something floor of a hotel with floor-to-ceiling windows, and I stayed at least 2 feet away from the windows the entire time.) This may create dissonance with the need to hold onto something, if the only option is a window or railing on the edge. I have dealt with this by reaching out to hold the railing, but leaning my body inward, away from the edge, as much as possible. It looks ridiculous, but it helps a little.

Close your eyes – Again, this has to do with perception. If I can’t see how high up I am, I might feel a little better. (But as stated above, your body can often sense how high up you are, so you might still be scared.)

Things we won’t do: I’m sorry, but the trope of an acrophobic person going someplace high because they feel depressed or despondent is just not true, at least in my experience. All that’s going to do is make me sad and panicky. (I can’t begin to list all the places I’ve seen this trope. Venom is probably the most recent – although the rest of the movie handled Eddie’s acrophobia fairly well.) (Andrew gets a pass on this one because he’s got Issues.)

Potential triggers: Here is a brief and certainly not exhaustive list of places/situations that trigger my acrophobia. Some of these are obvious, but some you may not have considered.

Ladders

Balconies

Stadiums

Wall climbing/ropes courses/rock climbing

Ziplines

Ski lifts (up high and it’s moving and there’s nothing holding you in place are you fucking serious)

Bridges (This can be anything from the Golden Gate Bridge to the highway overpass. Walking is worse than driving, but just because you’re in a car doesn’t mean you won’t be scared. I had a panic attack on the bridge from Detroit to Canada, and I was the one driving.)

Amusement park rides (Not just roller coasters, although those are awful. The Ferris Wheel is literal torture. The London Eye? No thank you.)

Escalators

Glass elevators (whose dumbass idea was that, for the love of God)

And because I think it’s counterintuitive and weird, my list of activities that I’ll never do in order from least to most terrifying is: Skydiving, bungee jumping, hot air balloon. Yes, that’s right, a hot air balloon ride is one of the scariest things I can possibly imagine and my stomach hurts just thinking about it.

Avoidance: Obviously facing your fears can be good, and exposure therapy is a thing, but just like any other phobia, most people with acrophobia take steps to avoid the triggering situations above. This includes:

Picking seats that are lower/closer in a theatre or stadium - I am forever weighing the cost of seats vs how uncomfortable I’m going to be. It’s worth paying a little more if being up too high is going to make me too scared to even enjoy the show.

Excuses – Saying that you get motion sick, or even that you just don’t like rides, in order to not go on them without looking like a coward in front of your friends

Honesty/asking for help – Sometimes I just have to swallow my pride. I have no qualms asking coworkers to climb a ladder for me, simply stating that “I don’t like ladders” or “I don’t like heights”. If I know I’m going to be facing a triggering situation, I’ll usually tell my friends beforehand so that they know what to expect

Things to remember: Be supportive of your acrophobic friends. Let them hold your hand/arm/backpack if they need to. Let them close their eyes. Comfort them without saying “but you’re totally safe!” (Try “I’m right here. I won’t let go of you.”) Additionally, just like any panic attack, it won’t last forever. I can and do acclimate to triggering situations, like balcony seats, if I’m there long enough. Eventually the panic subsides and you calm down. (Standing up or moving too much can trigger it again, so once I’m calm I’m probably going to stay put as much as I can.) And at the end of the day, it is “just” a phobia. We may freak out a bit, but we’re used to it, and as long as we aren’t in genuine danger, we’ll be fine.

Hopefully this is helpful to someone. I would love to see more accurate portrayals of this common phobia!

#stuff i say #long post #writing #fear of heights #acrophobia #fanfic #venom #aftg #andrew minyard #reference

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amosbarot · 6 years ago

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( cismale ) haven’t seen AMOS BAROT around in a while. the DEV PATEL lookalike has been known to be (+) INSOUCIANT & (+) KEEN, but HE can also be (-) TROUBLED & (-) DERISIVE. The 24 year old is a SENIOR majoring in COMPUTER ENGINEERING. I believe they’re living in AUDAX but I popped by earlier and no one answered the door. ( james. 20. EST. she/they. )

hello !! here is my other baby, who is...somehow, more of a mess than naeva !! no dilly dally, let’s jump right into it !!

TW: drug addiction/abuse, car accident. mental illness.

a e s t h e t i c s ( except i am a sham of a person and sorta very much forgot to save my aesthetics so ! winging it ! )

floral suits and a light air of mock-arrogance, charming smiles and a mischievous glint, easy sarcasm and raised eyebrows. rolling joints resembling cigars, smoke drifting towards ceilings as conspiratorial rambles escape intoxicated lips, wild gestures and toppled book stacks, four expresso shots at the stroke of midnight and equations leading off whiteboards. heavy eye bags and warm smiles, dismissive words and excuses. sleepwalking to the middle of the quad for the third time that week, donning white boxers littered with red hearts...again. secret glances and barely contained excitement, distractions from the obvious.

general info !!

full name: amos ronak barot

nickname(s): n/a !!

b.o.d. - january 17th, 24 yrs old, capricorn

label(s): the academic, the ebullient, the fallen, the icarcian.

height: 6′2″

hometown: london, uk ooo fancy

sexuality: wildly. chaotically. bisexual.

his stats can be found HERE

and his pinterest can be found HERE !

biography

introducing...another one of indira’s cousins !!!!

born to olena barot, member of the american embassy in london/future U.S. ambassador to the UK and ronak barot, CEO of his very own computer company. needless to say, he and his younger sister alya were born into a certain wealth

they hopped between the US and the UK and wherever else they desired to go on vacation to with ease; UK for school and US for breaks, rome or paris or wherever else, simply whenever.

despite this though !! olena and ronak had always wanted their children to find their own success, to be financially stable without their assistance once they got older. therefore, it was a known fact in their household that they’d be cut off financially by the time they were 21.

luckily, neither of them really minded this? both children had always had an extreme thirst for knowledge and a wonder for things. even so--their childhood wasn’t quite typical, as their competitive natures led to them trying to one-up each other?

alya and amos grew up extremely close to each other, being so close in age it really didn’t feel as if she was the younger sibling; they were more like twins than anything. obviously, amos still gloated about being the eldest, but their bond was tight.

there were moments in their childhood where if anybody, and i mean anybody--spoke ill of alya, amos would get into physical alterations. he’s much more peaceful now, but the history is still there.

by the time amos entered sixth form, his studies were--while still very important to him--less frequent. he’d go out nearly every night, gone whole weekends, partying or being a general hooligan.

alya, however, did not partake in these activities. this is where they differed--amos had always been an extrovert, fond of crowds and people and being in the center of it all. causing ruckus. wrecking havoc. alya’s always been...reserved, in the best way possible. few knew just what a gem she was, but she really was to be treasured. even so--the less time amos seemed to spend at home, the more distant alya became towards him.

but, surprise: despite being literally, incredibly smart, amos got BIG DUMBASS ENERGY and was very very oblivious to the why and how of this. which really, really did not help.

unfortunately, there wasn’t any time to dwell about this.

around the same time, tragedy struck the barot family.

after one of his lil’ runabouts, amos came home to find furniture being escorted out of their house, police--his sister crying, his mother ashamed, his father nowhere to be found.

and soon after, amos found out that his father was arrested for a scandal that sent many into a tizzy. essentially: the company fucked over their own customers via stealing their info, committing some fraud, y’know, credit cards and social security numbers, sellin’ it. just. some nasty white collar crime.

it also wound up fucking up olena’s newly acquired position as the US ambassador for the UK. she was released from the embassy during ronak’s trials.

he ultimately wound up in prison, and olena moved their family back to the U.S.

and amos--being the big dumb baby he is, figured the best thing to do was to pretend it hadn’t bothered him one bit! so he did exactly that!

i imagine that they moved close to indira’s family, and amos spent a lot of time with her from there then.

however, in between pretending things were fine and dandy, and home life, and the drag and pull of parties, anxiety weighed down amos’ bones like...constantly. his family was now, essentially, poor with a mass debt thanks to their father. the expectations for amos to do good, to be better--the fall of amos’ biggest role model.

it was all too much. anxiety attacks became frequent, provoked by the slightest thing--he could only lay awake at night, sleep infrequent. he was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and insomnia, and treated for both--some days it still doesn’t feel like enough.

getting a scholarship to lockwood is probably the best thing to happen to him in a long time. it was a new look into a potential future.

got into the uh...career, of sorts, of doing people’s assignments for them for a hefty payment, alongside his normal job. just to make sure he had spending money and whatnot.

involving tatiana: their friendship bloomed after he did a few assignments for her, y’see--then came the midnight adventures, and whatnot. i wouldn’t have called them close by any means, but they had fun together when they weren’t arguing. their friendship ended after a pretty bad car accident--neither were fatally hurt, but the car was wrecked and it was amos’ fault and it just. sorta was the end of that.

he’s got a...reliability on his sleeping pills, if you will. it’s not healthy in the slightest, but he’s convinced it’s nothing serious. it’s pretty serious.

his eyesight is also getting worse--expected to become legally blind by the time he’s forty.